What did you expect?

I noticed today that loving someone who doesn’t want to love you is so much easier when you are no longer hoping that they will.  This freedom allows your love to be a pure and unadulterated manifestation of your heart’s beating and your soul’s greatest gift.  Do not ever doubt please, dear, that I love you, and that I always will.

Today it felt good 
to love you, once again.  
Since the love 
was not fettered 
by disappointment 
or by pain.  

I pray you feel 
the beating of 
my will, 

but only so that 
you feel 
the love 
within it still.

Be blessed, 
my love 
wherever 
you may go.  

And pray again 
I will, 

that love 
you’ll 
someday know.  

And I will be there with you, cuz...

Love is an energy

that is neither created 
or destroyed.

It simply transforms itself

as it ignites,

burns ferociously,

quiets...

glows as embers...

or scatters across the universe 

as dancing ashes.

It is.

It is love.

Symphonic

In the symphony of leaves
the evening sings to me
rattling songs that set me free
from the heat of day so long

In the symphony of leaves
sounds the whispers of the secrets
of the warmth of mother's blanket
woven in the deepest shade of green


In the symphony of leaves
the wind caresses each green plane
as it sings of love again
and then bows in sweet refrain

In the symphony of leaves
I feel the furthest branches
bent heavy toward the hillside
which it shades in gift, with gladness

In the symphony of leaves
so still and then so lively
with each breath exhaled by heaven
my soul's secrets are enlivened

Hearing your wonderous stories

Another beautiful night... driving up the canyon there weren't a lot of cars.  Waiting my turn at the four-way, I proceeded at the same time that Jon Anderson started singing,

"I awoke this morning
Love laid me down by a river.
Drifting I turned on upstream
Bound for my forgiver.
In the giving of my eyes to see your face.
Sound did silence me
Leaving no trace.
I beg to leave, to hear your wonderous stories.
Beg to hear your wonderous stories."

Well you know me... the thought of love laying me down ANYWHERE revved me up a bit.  As I always do, when the adrenaline surges (either from a dreamy whim or soul-shaking song), my foot hit the gas a little harder.  I tore the hill up pretty quickly only to find myself once again, behind the same damn motorcyle that held me back before.

Fortunately, those beautiful hills in the fading light called me.  All I could imagine was how wonderful it must be to feel the wind in your face as you openly ascend through that beauty.  Of course he couldn't hear the YES that I could, but what he heard, and what echoed through my heart was what my soul (and I'm guessing his) really needed to hear.

Thank you, Mr. Motorcycle Stranger.  Namaste.

If I had only known

If I had known how much it takes to give to someone who doesn't love you,
I hope I would have done things a little differently.
If I had known that love isn't always happy or perfect
I hope I would have loved you a little more.
If I had known that pain is the main ingredient in appreciation
I think I would have thought of you a little differently.
If I had known how important kindness and generosity were
and how seldom they are laid at your feet
I am pretty sure I would have wanted you more.
If I had known how loyalty is priceless
I would have spent everything to keep you

If I had known that wanting is liberation and not weakness,
I swear I would have wanted you more.
If I had known that watching you writhe would
inflict my own pain
I would have gauged my own eyes out
and spared you
I wish I had known that hurting you
hurt me more.
I wish I could have known what love was
when you were wanting to love me
I didn't know that love was a gift for my taking
I didn't know that you needed mine too
I didn't know that kindness always mattered
I didn't know that was all I'd ever need.

But now I know
and I want you to know,
that now that I can't,
I love you so.

Drum one and drum all

Wow... what a fun night.  The minute I heard that there would be a drum circle at the UC, I knew I had to go.  So many of my dreams and meditations have included that hauntingly exhilarating beat which awakens me.

Picture 5 concentric circles each enveloping its predecessor, facing the same center.  Each of us, a point in its construct, embracing various drums, beating in unison.  The pulses were like one heart, beating loudly.  On the one hand the vibrations filled the air, but my feet against the floor knew that Mother Earth was absorbing, and reciprocating, those vibes as well.

Our leader guided us during the finale, to concentrate our heartbeats outward, sending love to someone, or everyone, or the world. We were allowed to drum whatever we wanted, in any variation. What a high- to be part of all of that uninhibited energy and love.  What reverberated most poignantly in me was that in the midst of the seeming jungle of noisy madness... from my feet on the floor, to the pulsing in my heart, to the ears at the top of my being, was an undeniable center of unison- a most uninhibited heartbeat of ONE. 

Beautiful

Three Wishes

Three times yesterday I was honored with the opportunities to extinguish flaming sweets.  Every year the cakes get a little bit brighter.  This might be symbolic of the thought that we are more luminous as we grow... all I really know is that my aging eyes appreciate the extra light!

Make a wish!  What to wish for… the first candles found me wishing for a more peaceful world.  What the heck.  Just in case there’s a genie in that cake, I’d better make this a good one.

The second wish in the middle of the afternoon found me wishing that the people I love would all be content and fulfilled in their lives.  All of them.  Sometimes I can get a little greedy!

Even though I felt so blessed by so many people sending me their love and wishes, there were some glaring omissions which cut me to the quick.  I tried so many times to pull myself out of the pity pit, but the brighter side of my usual outlook was hidden in this darkness.  I continuously checked my phone and email, hoping for that prodigal flicker that would have made me feel what I longed to feel... on this day that I dared to wish.

My drive home was saturated with pain when I could no longer manage to dig myself out of my pity pit.  I didn’t think I’d make it to the front door without bursting into tears.  Even though I have been on my own for years, I still can’t avoid that sinking, burning pain of loneliness at the time that I should be celebrating.  Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day, my birthday… these are the times when I remember that I am alone.  These are the days that I’d rather skip, to avoid the grief of my reality.

Walking through the door without having yet melted, I tried to make a quick escape to my room, without anyone noticing.  There I could have a proper meltdown and be done with all of the disappointment of this day.  But my daughter stopped me.  She asked me to sit down and she put a candle-clad cake in front of me.  A really delicious cake!  Next to it she plopped a red bag.

The lit candles lent themselves to an awesome amber glow in the room, which flickered on the cake’s butterfly ornament, making the wings seem to flutter. The light from all of those candles warmed me as I chose to remember all of the love and the good that I have amassed over the years. As the song trailed off, my inner whisper nudged me to “make it count.”  So as the wax dripped slowly onto the melting scalloped edges of the cream topping, my heart mustered the courage to ask for what I really wanted.  Not something to just wish for, but something worth having. Once you blow out the candles the wishes are gone- all you have left is what you have chosen. Make it count.

Happy Birthday to Me!

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,

the Master calls a butterfly."

Seize the Cabernet

There is a bit of gratitude for my inability to remember some of the more traumatic events which have shaped my life.  Every now and then, though, those little flashes of remembrance sneak up and wreck you like an instant replay of an accident caught on film.  And you live it over and over again.


It has been both my pleasure and my curse in this life, to be a loving and generous person.  What a gift to learn that you have made a difference in the life of another.  Of course some of the things that I've given were probably not perceived as gifts, but emotional and spiritual maturity has shown me that it's all fine.  It's all for the good.  And for those things, I honor the pain that I inflicted with my remorse, my caring and my love.

I wish I could pinpoint the minute that my AHA! bell went off and I realized that loving too much is not loving at all.  This is a lesson that I had to learn not only once, but over and over, and it had to be in a degree that burned my soul and melted my heart.  And it finally did.  I couldn't tell you if it was one particular thing or the culmination of them all, but I learned that love must be freely received as it is given, to be good love.

Today is the birthday of a friend whom I love. At no time in our relationship was there ever a definition of what we were.  We were.  Plain and simple.  That did not stop me from wishing for something more though.  Maybe... with space and time... maybe.  But today is his birthday.  I bought him a sweet bottle of wine that I was going to give him when he fit me in to his busy life.  Laying in bed this morning I made  all kinds of reasons to be understanding for what he is going through.  After all, when it's good, it's so very good.  AND  I can give him the wine the next time I see him...you know... when he feels like it.

It was a sweet day in a lot of ways, some surprising, and some predictable.  Sitting here on my gorgeous patio, sipping some truly delicious wine; the pine trees' typical whispers are bellowing a beautiful song to me in a volume that drowns my trivial thoughts and beliefs.

This blessed sip of life is to drink.

There is but one truth that I have yet to live and it is scribed most accurately by my hero, Henry David Thoreau, "As if you could kill time without injuring eternity."  


So as I sip this delicious bottle of birthday wine I do so knowing that it is truly time to live- for me.  Carpe Diem.

Once you make a choice to do the "right" thing, do not hold it against your brother if he does not choose the same. Remember that your own choices evolve, as do his. Your reward in doing is simply that you have done. Acceptance, approval and applause are irrelevant within authentic action. Honor the light that helped you see, and in its glow, bow to the light in your brother.

Snail trail

Oh but I am blessed.  Sitting on the patio watching the warm sun sink through the hazy sky I heard the promise of spring.  Dreams of blossoms of hope and happiness and love welled up inside of me. Setting up here in the new Chez Vigneau has been slow going.  Tonight I chose to abandon all thoughts of responsibility, and traded in for a glass of red on my beautiful new patio where I watched bunnies ducking under bushes, snails meandering about and crows coming in for landings in the massive pine trees that skirt the property.

The cushions of the wicker furniture are thread bare and tearing in some spots.  I turned them and everything seemed fresh and new.  Touching one chair I accidentally knocked loose a snail, who made an emphatic click as it hit the brick beneath my feet.  I turned him right side up and resumed my mission of relaxation.  Too beautiful.  This thought was a welcome relief as it overtook the maddening frustration that had defined my week at work, and my recent thoughts for myself.  How can I be almost 48 years old, and still not know what my life's purpose is?  How can I have spent what I have in love and tears, and have nothing to show for it?  How can it be that I have loved so hard, and yet have no one who wants to love me?

My throat swelled as I remembered my loneliness, and tears started to well in my eyes.

The sinking sun caught one of my tears and glistened, turning my attention toward the sun.  I noticed beneath the sun's line, a haphazard trail left by a snail.  It circled back upon itself half a dozen times and didn't appear to be going anywhere in particular.  Silly snail, I thought.  Silly snail... what have you done with your day?

As the sun continued to lower it burned with that ferocity that every dying light emanates, as if to call out in the hopes of being heard... "I was here."  Before long it hit the snail trail which glistened like a million lights.  As if each seemingly meaningless step was but a glint in this world's great light.

Om nama shivaya.

the super moon

Last night I asked the angels

to show my love to me

to bring me to his splendor

awakened in my dream

Perched on the edge of a thick white cloud

I spread my wings and calling out

you heard my song and then you came

and we danced across the sky

Morning's glory gently woke me

from my soft, green grassy nest

but she dared not take from me,

you, my greatest awakening

Walking the path the whispered

pleas wafted to me from the trees

The words, unclear, I could not hear

yet I knew they spoke of you, my dear

So I ran through the streets

of this big, scary city

searching for you

in every nook and cranny

Scanning the faces of

each one in the masses

Holding my breath til

each soul by me, passed

And I wait tired in the light

on the corner in the night

Oh angels, hear my prayer

One more time- please take me there

Morning stretch

standing somewhere different

than the place you stood before

everything is different

from the ceiling to the floor

eyes wide open, seeing things

that weren't there before

miles or inches closer

to opening the door

breathing through the fire and rain

born anew with a burst of pain

knowing that although you wane the

emptiness yields joy again

trading thoughts you had

for sensations all anew

knowing that the loving matters
most in what you do

reaching out beyond the dream of

what you thought was real

spinning on this ball of life

head now under heel

then ready to die, to live this life

so raw, alive, on the ledge you are

dancing, hurling, freeing your soul

to finally stretch the edge

cold

Alone in the night
the storm sets
in
The dark can't see
what is haunting
me
Abandoned old heart
beats steadily
bold
in spite of the freeze
in spite of this
cold
Icicle daggers
tear me a new
pain
but hey, it's only love-
It'll come 'round
again

**********

Let not my heart be weighted

Nor my love be blind or shaded

If my light be sadly faded

When love comes once again fated,

Knocking at my door

May two fiery souls’ union

Come to me none too soon then

With a blessed and warm reunion

Of souls' unabashed communion,

                                                                Oh love, come call on me

sNOwMAN

One day I know it'll rain on me
when bathed in yearning drops of steam,
love will wrap its quenching arms round me
i hope it feels like your sweet heat
did

One day the sun is gonna shine
those rays of warmth that fill the cracks
and when love pours its light o'er me
i hope it shines like your sweet smile
still

One day the wind will carry me
away on currents swift and free
and when love takes my breath from me
i pray my death be as sweet as kissing you
was

One day I know that love will dawn
not a moment too soon, nor an hour too long
with silent reverence for what has made me
now readied for what will once again be
forever



"And if I had just one wish to wish, I would wish to wish no more." -Lala

Rain on me

Wrapped in this warm, brown blanket

Snug in my big, cozy white chair

Listening to the sounds of silence

Reaching through the chilled, moist air

Engaging the world of what will be

Fantasy woos then sets me free
But am I dreaming, or is this real?

The rain is waiting for me

Raindrops lightly tap the window

their noise a soothing harmony

Listen to their choral cleansing

Echo through this silent dream

Oh what will come and what will be

I welcome euphoria's drowning ecstasy

Down it rolls- the first weighted drop

And I am swimming in the rain

Drawn

If I draw a line in the sand

it might not be straight

And if I did it would soon

disappear with a wave

Treasure filled journey
uncharted course, undefined

With this compass most true-

my heart... not my mind
                                    

When I give knowing that there is no guaranteed return, my gift becomes that you received what I gave.  And that is enough for me.  If you cherish what it was you found, my cup will run over.   -Lala

Tell me, what do you want me to do, to do for you, to see you through?                                                           -Robert Hunter

Wisdom blows

More than a year has passed since I lived through this day.  It was an anniversary which was once celebrated, reduced to a pile of shard-laced rubble, too painful to dig through, but which now no longer wrecks me.  Like that mountain that nearly killed me to climb, as I walk away, on the other side of it, I am no longer overwhelmed... it diminishes.  What you see depends on where you're standing. 

Understanding never comes all that easily when you're standing alone, sifting through the rubble.  The ability to move on comes at a higher price when forgiveness is not asked of, or given to you.  I read a book last year titled, "Wisdom Bowls," which suggested that we need to come to our own conclusions in order to move past our grieving.  Truth, like sight, is subjective.  We can never know what is in the heart or reason of another.  We can only know the recipe of our own mixture. 

Decide for yourself what really happened and just go with it, is my simplistic paraphrase of the book.  This very "truth" will fill in the cracks and allow you to fill that bowl with wisdom, is the basic resolution which the author offered.

I try too hard.  Always making something out of nothing.  From memories of wonder that flashed every now and then in my life, I have held onto that feeling like an addict always trying to attain that HIGH again.

Love isn't a thing.  LOVE is the sum of all that you are It is the end result of your hurts and triumphs, the elixir of your hopes, dreams and desires.  But it is nothing until you choose to bathe another in its gift.  A simple smile for a weary stranger... a helping hand for a neighbor... a kind offering for a friend in need... and maybe, if you're really lucky, a heart that will take yours, and do the same for you.

Ahhh... swimming in this notion that is known by so few... tell me what was love before I loved you?

The direction of my gaze abruptly pivoted skyward
As I remembered to look for a shooting star

As if there was a sale on sky lights
Heaven displayed its abundance of wealth and wonder

My eyes scanned the vast canvas
But were drawn to the line of mountains

Which cut the sky as waking cuts through dreams
As if kissed by g~d I longed to see the shooting once again

Bitter dreams

Consciousness drifted in and out, back and forth, in a frenzied pace that left me not knowing if I was sleeping or awake.  Like two hands shuffling a deck of cards, the anonymous backs of the one hand faced the moon and flickered with light, with hope... that somehow I would draw the right one.

I drew a breath and began my descent through the smoke.  Trying to hand my card to each keeper, I drifted forward.  Guarded, they hid their faces from me.  I should not have known their secrets, only that their choice was not to share them with me. 

There is nothing I would not do for someone who loved me.  There is no price too big or burden too great to understand. 

The singing bowl is clanging haunting vibes again.  Must be time to go and wake up. 

The earth, behaving as fire- molten magma.

The blank heart

Even in the most intimate of personal relationships, most of us still live inside our own private mental worlds.   Our attention is often preoccupied – sometimes more in the past and future than in the present – so that we have very little attention to give to those we want to love.  Despite our best intentions to draw closer, all kinds of distracting thoughts – likes and dislikes, attachments and aversions, private moods, dreams and desires – come in any time they like, keeping other people at a distance.   We yearn for closeness and find, more often, disappointment.  Wow (words of wisdom) courtesy of Ecknath Eswaran.  

understanding

What you see in your blindness

hear in your deafness

breathe in the fire

and understand in your death

These will bring you light

they will teach you truths-

peace, love and trust

These will give you life