Reaching out beyond the dream of what you thought was real, spinning on this ball of life, head now under heel. Ready to die, to live this life so raw, alive on ledge- dancing, hurling, freeing your soul to finally stretch the edge.

Monday, April 26, 2010

A stitch in twine

The greatest percentage of my weekend was spent listening to and watching birds. I stayed busy with some minor chores but interspersed them with dalliances with my chaise lounge and some warm sun. Oh how good that sun felt. There's never a chuckle too far behind when I hear myself complain about the cold weather. Really... it's southern California, this ain't cold. But it is cold enough to make the sun's warmth sublime. The birds also seemed to think so.

So busy hopping from tree to tree, diving, swooping, singing. I wondered if their thoughts were all "worms, worms, worms," or did they have daily checklists not unlike ours. Of course they never have to get new brakes installed, but then I don't fly around looking for string to build a nest either. We all have our lives to live. Some birds build hard twiggy nests which are prone to egg-rolling. The morning doves in Tucson were famous for this impractical practice. The horror of seeing those dead babies smashed on the ground all around my beautiful house, never got any easier. Then there's the intricacy of a hummingbird's nest. So soft and carefully woven into a form that offered its offspring security.

There is much to watch in this world, and with these new eyes of mine it's as if I've never seen some of these things before. A new ability to see beauty in a soul that formerly appeared nothing other than dark and rancid, gives me a new appreciation and a new hobby. Realizing that there is good beyond the bad has planted a yearning in me to know more than ever before about people and their emotions.

Rock Crest is a home that was owned by two fabulous people whom I had never met. My friend, Pat, cared for the elderly widow for years prior to his passing, prompting him to leave her his real estate. Pat shared hours worth of stories with us, of the greatness of these two lively, conscientious and loving people. There were many instances in her expressions where I tingled, feeling the wonder of Ben and Florence all around me, as well as their grief from losing their 9 year old daughter. The house was electrified with honorable spirits.

Florence was a sensible woman who had plenty to eat and wear, and an uninhibited spirit which allowed her to dance in grass skirts for servicemen. Although she wanted for nothing she was a careful person who saved envelopes from bills, to re-use later, and every day wrapped the string from her delivered newspaper into a bigger and bigger ball. Pat jumped up from her chair, ran to a corner cupboard and pulled out Florence's ball of string. I found myself wishing that Florence was in the room with me right then and there, so that I could ask her why she did this. But I didn't need to, I already knew the answer.

You know, every day we engage in a hustle and bustle as we make our way through this world. Some of us stop at nothing to make a "better life" for ourselves and/or those we love. Some of us thrive to make the world a better place. Some take the time to carefully build a future and some just forge ahead without ever thinking about where they're going or who they're side-swiping in their mad dash. Ben and Florence were two people who loved each other deeply, made a simple and beautiful life together, and who cared about the effects they had on our world.

When Pat inherited Rock Crest it was a bit run down so she put a bit of money and a lot of time and sweat into making it a showplace. It was not difficult to picture her on a ladder, scrubbing the wooden walls back to their original beauty, or digging into the steep hill behind the house with a shovel, to make a trail for her guests. That is Pat... a careful nest builder. What she built was a soft and secure home woven from bits of strings lovingly harvested over time, much like the hummingbird's. What I was most entertained by was not the success of Pat's hard work, but the awe that she had for Florence's great big ball of string. To Pat, Rock Crest would always be Ben and Florence's house. I think she was so honored to be the one to honor their love.

The beautiful wooden beams that adorned and supported the ceiling of Rock Crest were carved from the trees on the hillside behind the house, as were the wood panels that Pat so lovingly restored. It is this spirit of recycling and honoring that not only shows respect for our earth and each other, but that remembers all that have gone before and all that is good and right with this world.

There are so many kinds of nests that can be built. There are so many different kinds of people and heart sets that make up this force called life that we live. Yesterday I watched as a hawk flew away with something flagging from its beak and thought that behind us as we live and love, are our trails of string. I see my own children's children and the great-grandchildren of those I never thought to love and think that we need to worry about what trails we leave behind. Sure, it's not our problem right now, but my love is moving forward and I want my children's children to help build a better ball of string.

So my brother, you choose to build a ball of hate and prefer to incite fear in others. Sister of mine- you seem to wallow in despair and mistrust. Hey friend- I'm like a naked, featherless bird, crying out for you to bring me a worm. And in this world where our love moves forward, I can't help but wonder- why in the world wouldn't you?


Sunday, April 11, 2010


Sweet little vacation week... friends, friends, kids, friends. So many pictures plastered all over facebook. So many happy families. So much love. Today I even saw gorillas hugging.

I look at these photographic souvenirs and think how wonderful it must be to have someone to love you. Someone to make a life with, and care for you. There are no remaining memories vivid enough for me to remember what it was like to love someone else. It's funny the way that hurt and disillusion smear their images across the whiteboard.

Everywhere I look, there it is. Fat people, skinny people, unattractive and rude people, people with screaming babies... I am a spectator to all of this love- everywhere. I would give anything to be in the game.

Monday, April 5, 2010


On a drifting love that comes dancing to me
A beautiful vision that my eyes cannot see
Swimming in the breeze between you and me
A wish dispersing stalks of colored ecstasy

Love’s colors mix a gradient blend
With no beginning, and no discernable end
Radiance warming that which could not fill me
When the soft wisps of wishes come to color me

Flying upon the highest vibration of all
I plunge, I lunge, with no thoughts of a fall
And land in the soft spun web of embrace
Hungrily staring into your princely face

Flashes of purple, yellow, green, red and blue
Orbit, weaving a violet crown for you
This dream, this vision, this wish for me
Color me, baby, come set my world free

Slide down your rainbow, into my cellar door and we'll be jolly friends forever more...

Sahasrara is the 7th, "crown," or purple chakra, characterizing a greater level of consciousness or knowing- that we are all one.

E-ster Sunday

Poochi began to whine as we neared our usual parking spot. I could hear his puppy paws prancing on the leather seat, behind me. I turned to look at him as we just kept driving and he gave me a seriously puzzled look.

I just needed something new. There is no more pain, my lungs are now healed and I feel better than I have in years, so I heeded the quiet call. I'm not sure how a gentle butterfly escapes its cocoon- it just does. There is probably some well-timed chemical breakdown, but I'll subscribe to the generic magic theory.

We climbed for a while. Coco is getting pretty tired, in general, and tried to turn us back quite a few times, but with a little coaxing, she reneged on her negativity and kept going. I wish I wasn't so worried about blazing these unknown trails alone, but usually I am. Something seemed different yesterday- the adventure seemed so easy- although it was steep I did not grow tired and although it was foreign I did not grow weak.

Even though I knew there were two more peaks to conquer, I was so excited when I realized how far I'd gotten. That etheric whisper suggested I turn and look. There were endless hills soaking in the richest depths of color, some smothering in face masks of ether- that took my breath away. The enormity and the endless expanse elevated me as I engulfed its beauty within my own being. I could not, did not and needed not, breathe.

My sweet old lab was tired so we began the descent. As with any core-trembling quake, the hours that followed were filled with flashbacks laced with ecstasy. Everything from Kate running through green grass with her pretty dress floating behind her as Deb's bonnet went flying into the wind, buying yellow Peeps for my dad (he didn't like the white or pink ones), hiding eggs in little Frankie's hood as he searched for them (pretty funny footage), to memories of being loved.

Kate came for her first official visit as a visitor and brought me some candy! We had a fun time prepping food and chatting but she got tired and went to take a little nap. I thought it would be a great time to head down to the lower deck to meditate while the sun warmed my face. Two minutes into it I knew there would be an earthquake. I didn't know there would be 300 of them in 24 hours, but the message was loud. Assuming I was just day dreaming I continued on with my meta moments. When I was done I just laid there in a state of complete serenity just soaking up the warmth. It got a little too hot so I moved over to the shady part of the deck. Then the trembling started. It didn't stop like it usually does- it just got stronger and louder. The old lady next door was yelling because she fell down. Her husband called to her to just stay down. I had trouble getting up the stairs to the house level and was relieved once I got there to see the kids heading out the front door. My best guess is that it lasted about two minutes. I didn't know they could last that long and that was certainly the strongest one I had ever experienced.

All day long the quakes just kept coming. There were a couple that woke me up throughout the night (I'll be needing a nap today) as my floor shook and the big glass doors rattled. There is an excitement within this life that keeps me naked, raw and alive in the absence of knowing what's coming next. I got a letter from a sweet friend yesterday morning, who reminded me that the journey is the prize. Given my recent observations that truth and knowledge are as impermanent as any given moment, in this minute I celebrate that relevance and its wonder.

So if the answer is so obvious as to stand alone, then there never really was a question, was there? Be still, and know that I am, is the answer.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

How do you ride a buffalo while walking?

I'm listening

This morning's walk was a long one. Slow in pace, I seemed to enjoy the labor of the long, deliberate lunges up the steep rocks. I felt a magnificent presence walking beside me and it was wonderful. At times it walked in silence as if it were respecting my somber solace. Then came whispers of encouragement which were like lyrical lullabyes to soothe my achy weariness. There was that drift that I seem to ride and it took me to another place. Today's destination was unfamiliar yet very comfortable. Remember the boy in the bubble? That's what I felt like- kinda gliding along, knowing that nothing would harm me.

I just kept walking before I realized that I did not know where I was. No matter. A quick rest, a babbling stream's refreshment and we turned around.

I've had more than one prompt of late, that has reminded me to be careful what I wish for. So I'm holding off on wanting. This isn't about me or what I want. I'm just here- humble, awake, aware, alive and...


Friday, April 2, 2010

Fortune-ate cookie

Cheer up. There are many who miss your laughter.

That was my online fortune cookie shout out for today. I didn't ask the laughing buddha any questions because he usually just finds me silly and never really answers anything. Besides, how can someone else answer YOUR question? Now I'm laughing at myself.

This cocoon is beginning to bore me. I'm going to be needing some light really soon.