Reaching out beyond the dream of what you thought was real, spinning on this ball of life, head now under heel. Ready to die, to live this life so raw, alive on ledge- dancing, hurling, freeing your soul to finally stretch the edge.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

What did you expect?

I noticed today that loving someone who doesn’t want to love you is so much easier when you are no longer hoping that they will.  This freedom allows your love to be a pure and unadulterated manifestation of your heart’s beating and your soul’s greatest gift.  Do not ever doubt please, dear, that I love you, and that I always will.

Today it felt good 
to love you, once again.  
Since the love 
was not fettered 
by disappointment 
or by pain.  
I pray you feel 
the beating of 
my will, 
but only so that 
you feel 
the love 
within it still.
Be blessed, 
my love 
you may go.  
And pray again 
I will, 
that love 
someday know.  

And I will be there with you, cuz...
Love is an energy
that is neither created 
or destroyed.
It simply transforms itself
as it ignites,
burns ferociously,
glows as embers...
or scatters across the universe 
as dancing ashes.

It is.
It is love.


In the symphony of leaves
the evening sings to me
rattling songs that set me free
from the heat of day so long

In the symphony of leaves
sounds the whispers of the secrets
of the warmth of mother's blanket
woven in the deepest shade of green

In the symphony of leaves
the wind caresses each green plane
as it sings of love again
and then bows in sweet refrain

In the symphony of leaves
I feel the furthest branches
bent heavy toward the hillside
which it shades in gift, with gladness

In the symphony of leaves
so still and then so lively
with each breath exhaled by heaven
my soul's secrets are enlivened

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Hearing your wonderous stories

Another beautiful night... driving up the canyon there weren't a lot of cars.  Waiting my turn at the four-way, I proceeded at the same time that Jon Anderson started singing,

"I awoke this morning
Love laid me down by a river.
Drifting I turned on upstream
Bound for my forgiver.
In the giving of my eyes to see your face.
Sound did silence me
Leaving no trace.
I beg to leave, to hear your wonderous stories.
Beg to hear your wonderous stories."

Well you know me... the thought of love laying me down ANYWHERE revved me up a bit.  As I always do, when the adrenaline surges (either from a dreamy whim or soul-shaking song), my foot hit the gas a little harder.  I tore the hill up pretty quickly only to find myself once again, behind the same damn motorcyle that held me back before.

Fortunately, those beautiful hills in the fading light called me.  All I could imagine was how wonderful it must be to feel the wind in your face as you openly ascend through that beauty.  Of course he couldn't hear the YES that I could, but what he heard, and what echoed through my heart was what my soul (and I'm guessing his) really needed to hear.

Thank you, Mr. Motorcycle Stranger.  Namaste.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

If I had only known

If I had known how much it takes to give to someone who doesn't love you,
I hope I would have done things a little differently.
If I had known that love isn't always happy or perfect
I hope I would have loved you a little more.
If I had known that pain is the main ingredient in appreciation
I think I would have thought of you a little differently.
If I had known how important kindness and generosity were
and how seldom they are laid at your feet
I am pretty sure I would have wanted you more.
If I had known how loyalty is priceless
I would have spent everything to keep you

If I had known that wanting is liberation and not weakness,
I swear I would have wanted you more.
If I had known that watching you writhe would
inflict my own pain
I would have gauged my own eyes out
and spared you
I wish I had known that hurting you
hurt me more.
I wish I could have known what love was
when you were wanting to love me
I didn't know that love was a gift for my taking
I didn't know that you needed mine too
I didn't know that kindness always mattered
I didn't know that was all I'd ever need.

But now I know
and I want you to know,
that now that I can't,
I love you so.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Drum one and drum all

Wow... what a fun night.  The minute I heard that there would be a drum circle at the UC, I knew I had to go.  So many of my dreams and meditations have included that hauntingly exhilarating beat which awakens me.

Picture 5 concentric circles each enveloping its predecessor, facing the same center.  Each of us, a point in its construct, embracing various drums, beating in unison.  The pulses were like one heart, beating loudly.  On the one hand the vibrations filled the air, but my feet against the floor knew that Mother Earth was absorbing, and reciprocating, those vibes as well.

Our leader guided us during the finale, to concentrate our heartbeats outward, sending love to someone, or everyone, or the world. We were allowed to drum whatever we wanted, in any variation. What a high- to be part of all of that uninhibited energy and love.  What reverberated most poignantly in me was that in the midst of the seeming jungle of noisy madness... from my feet on the floor, to the pulsing in my heart, to the ears at the top of my being, was an undeniable center of unison- a most uninhibited heartbeat of ONE. 


Friday, May 20, 2011

Three Wishes

Three times yesterday I was honored with the opportunities to extinguish flaming sweets.  Every year the cakes get a little bit brighter.  This might be symbolic of the thought that we are more luminous as we grow... all I really know is that my aging eyes appreciate the extra light!

Make a wish!  What to wish for… the first candles found me wishing for a more peaceful world.  What the heck.  Just in case there’s a genie in that cake, I’d better make this a good one.

The second wish in the middle of the afternoon found me wishing that the people I love would all be content and fulfilled in their lives.  All of them.  Sometimes I can get a little greedy!

Even though I felt so blessed by so many people sending me their love and wishes, there were some glaring omissions which cut me to the quick.  I tried so many times to pull myself out of the pity pit, but the brighter side of my usual outlook was hidden in this darkness.  I continuously checked my phone and email, hoping for that prodigal flicker that would have made me feel what I longed to feel... on this day that I dared to wish.

My drive home was saturated with pain when I could no longer manage to dig myself out of my pity pit.  I didn’t think I’d make it to the front door without bursting into tears.  Even though I have been on my own for years, I still can’t avoid that sinking, burning pain of loneliness at the time that I should be celebrating.  Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day, my birthday… these are the times when I remember that I am alone.  These are the days that I’d rather skip, to avoid the grief of my reality.

Walking through the door without having yet melted, I tried to make a quick escape to my room, without anyone noticing.  There I could have a proper meltdown and be done with all of the disappointment of this day.  But my daughter stopped me.  She asked me to sit down and she put a candle-clad cake in front of me.  A really delicious cake!  Next to it she plopped a red bag.

The lit candles lent themselves to an awesome amber glow in the room, which flickered on the cake’s butterfly ornament, making the wings seem to flutter. The light from all of those candles warmed me as I chose to remember all of the love and the good that I have amassed over the years. As the song trailed off, my inner whisper nudged me to “make it count.”  So as the wax dripped slowly onto the melting scalloped edges of the cream topping, my heart mustered the courage to ask for what I really wanted.  Not something to just wish for, but something worth having. Once you blow out the candles the wishes are gone- all you have left is what you have chosen. Make it count.

Happy Birthday to Me!

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the Master calls a butterfly."

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Seize the Cabernet

There is a bit of gratitude for my inability to remember some of the more traumatic events which have shaped my life.  Every now and then, though, those little flashes of remembrance sneak up and wreck you like an instant replay of an accident caught on film.  And you live it over and over again.

It has been both my pleasure and my curse in this life, to be a loving and generous person.  What a gift to learn that you have made a difference in the life of another.  Of course some of the things that I've given were probably not perceived as gifts, but emotional and spiritual maturity has shown me that it's all fine.  It's all for the good.  And for those things, I honor the pain that I inflicted with my remorse, my caring and my love.

I wish I could pinpoint the minute that my AHA! bell went off and I realized that loving too much is not loving at all.  This is a lesson that I had to learn not only once, but over and over, and it had to be in a degree that burned my soul and melted my heart.  And it finally did.  I couldn't tell you if it was one particular thing or the culmination of them all, but I learned that love must be freely received as it is given, to be good love.

Today is the birthday of a friend whom I love. At no time in our relationship was there ever a definition of what we were.  We were.  Plain and simple.  That did not stop me from wishing for something more though.  Maybe... with space and time... maybe.  But today is his birthday.  I bought him a sweet bottle of wine that I was going to give him when he fit me in to his busy life.  Laying in bed this morning I made  all kinds of reasons to be understanding for what he is going through.  After all, when it's good, it's so very good.  AND  I can give him the wine the next time I see know... when he feels like it.

It was a sweet day in a lot of ways, some surprising, and some predictable.  Sitting here on my gorgeous patio, sipping some truly delicious wine; the pine trees' typical whispers are bellowing a beautiful song to me in a volume that drowns my trivial thoughts and beliefs.

This blessed sip of life is to drink.

There is but one truth that I have yet to live and it is scribed most accurately by my hero, Henry David Thoreau, "As if you could kill time without injuring eternity."  

So as I sip this delicious bottle of birthday wine I do so knowing that it is truly time to live- for me.  Carpe Diem.