Reaching out beyond the dream of what you thought was real, spinning on this ball of life, head now under heel. Ready to die, to live this life so raw, alive on ledge- dancing, hurling, freeing your soul to finally stretch the edge.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The truth ache

It's been a few years since I waited for a dentist to do some major work on my teeth.  One particular tooth has been growing increasingly sensitive.  As per usual I put off taking care of it- not because I'm afraid of the pain, but because well, I'm afraid of the failure.  Beyond the sensitive tooth, while chewing some nuts, I chomped down on something incredibly hard and I just knew I had broken a tooth.  The good news (and I use the word good quite liberally here), is that I didn't break anything.  I simply lost a crown.  So now with two major issues, the call was undeniably requisite.

The wait in the waiting room (excellent naming choice) was longer than I liked.  Every time I wait to see a dentist I recall the horrors of my childhood dental examinations.  This was the one place that the girl who almost always got 100% on every test, who never did anything to upset her parents, who excelled in sports, music, and anything she ever chose to, this was the place where she failed.  One year my older brother came out of his exam with 4 (gasp) cavities in just one year.  My older sister was next.  Unbelievable- she came out with EIGHT of them.  My mother didn't waste any time being upset with her- she simply whipped her head around toward me and warned with digital prominence, "Don't you dare."  Oh yes, I did.  TWELVE cavities.  All at once.  Now, in my defense- I was born with a cleft palate and had the most crowded teeth a person could, a condition which has always haunted me.  I cannot convey how demoralized, ashamed, and shocked I was with the dentist's results.

My mom cried all the way home on the bus, with her three decayed children in tow, wondering how she was going to pay for all of those fillings.  This was one of those experiences that wrecks you every time you remember it.  I failed her.  All I ever wanted was for my mother to love me, and I failed her.

So you would think that being the smart, logical and practical person that I am, I would now stay on top of things like tooth aches, rebuilding my life, settling financial scores with my former spouse, and getting on my merry way to having it all.  You would.  I am working on it.

This was the most amazing day.  I had a sweet trek through the hills with my fun and furry friend, showered and made myself pretty and then headed off to the Unity Center.  WHY do people wear too much perfume?  (Or any at all?)  A very sweet and beautifully adorned woman (wearing gorgeous peacock blue from eyelids to toes) came and plopped down next to me in the middle of the introduction to the service.  As quickly as I admired the exuberance of her garb, I inhaled the abundance of her perfume.  It was choking me.  I spent almost the entire meditation time arguing with myself about why I should or shouldn't move to another seat.  I was worried about hurting her feelings.  Besides, I was there first and if anyone should move, it should be her.  But that wouldn't be very spiritual of me, to make a STINK about how she smelled, so I waited, hoping that I would build up a tolerance to the infectious gas that was wafting my way.  I couldn't concentrate on anything that Wendy was saying.  Then I heard the woman giggle and I couldn't help but turn in her direction and notice how beautiful she was- proud as a peacock, in her Sunday best.

No better follow up to the UC, than hitting the beach when it's done.  I've grown accustomed to, and actually now enjoy, doing these things on my own.  It was the most perfect beach day ever.  The sun was so warm, the sky was clear and there was ample space between the sand camps of alone souls, down at our end of the beach.  The happy families and loving couples are usually happy to plop down wherever, so why bother walking?  But those of us in search of solace (like we don't already have too much of that LOL), we walk a little farther and stake our claims where we are free to think out loud and wander untouched by eyes or voices, communing with our lover, nature.

I tried to read several articles from the Light of Consciousness... but my own stream kept intervening and interrupting the authors' words.  I guess I had a few things that needed to be thought out.  I thought about how hard I had worked at making a happy family, about how much I gave to try to be a good wife, and how much I gave over the years, with all of my caring and hard work, to causes that needed me.  And yet here I sat, alone, watching so many happy couples and families walking by.  I couldn't help but think that that should have been me.

But it wasn't.  I have for a long time been angry with my former spouse because of what he did to the kids, to me, and to the family.  There is no excusing his cruelty but there is understanding to be meted toward a person I once adored.  It isn't all that rare that I think about what it is that she gives him that I never could.  What I realized today, that has lingered in its haunting, is that I've been worried that my love wasn't good enough.  I was still worrying that I had somehow let him down.  He simply didn't love himself, so how could he have loved others?  So no, Laura, your love was not enough.  But yes, it was good love.

Following a 45 minute wait in the big room to see the new dentist I walked slowly into the little room and took a seat.  In walked a tall man with a grand smile who asked what he could do to help me.  He was so matter of fact about everything.  He explained that he wasn't certain that he could save my aching tooth.  It might be a little too far gone.  As if he hadn't just dropped a bomb in the room, he stuck his fingers and little telescopic mirror into my mouth and commented out loud about how nice and clean my teeth were.  That was the first time I had ever felt good in a dentist's chair (other than the initial administration of nitrous oxide- but that's a whole different "good").  Within a very quick minute his assistant had the xrays up on the screen for him.  He put his hand on my shoulder and announced that I came in just in time.  A little deep digging, cleaning out the roots, and my tooth would be as good as new.  Maybe even stronger and better.

.Om nama shivaya

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Walking a mile in different shoes

Sluggish awakening this morning.  Nestling in the comfort of leisure, I lounged in my soft, pink sheets, longer than usual.
Once I was done enjoying the quiet I quickly changed into my trail clothes, grabbed my keys, Poochi's leash and was in the garage looking for my shoes.  You know those times when you stare at something, just knowing that something's different?  But your mind cannot yet decipher the change that's staring you right in the face?  Well, I started to put my right shoe on and realized the difference.  It was missing part of the laces, and what do you know- a small bit of the shoe that housed the lace holes.
Turning and raising my voice at Poochi, I demanded to know, "what did you do?"  Why do we ask these questions?  This poor dog recently lost his life partner.  He has never been one to do well on his own, so his nocturnal garage incarceration has not been pleasant for him.  I listen as he scratches at the door, barks relentlessly, and whines pitifully to be allowed into the house.
Having reviewed all of these reasons for his bad behavior, I was a little more accepting of his crime, but not over my own anger just yet.  As I held the chew-whittled shoe in my hand I asked him what we were going to do now?  He cocked his head, giving me that sweet little puppy look that melts me.  Then he simply looked down, about three feet in front of him, at a different pair of shoes.

Let's go, Poochi.  ♥

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

In a breeze

In my quest to find understanding as well as respect and compassion for all, I've been stumbling over some of my own emotions. Last night I listened to a group of strangers express their definitions of god. Their contributions all seemed to be those adjacent blocks of pieces, which have not yet, and perhaps never will, finish my puzzle.  It seems that I've abandoned my strategy of looking at the box, to see how this story should wind up.  Only in a truly authentic endeavor, in the blindness of faith, can we find love.  Love of g~d, of ourselves, love with another.  And for this, I am thankful. 

The games that my mind plays when definition does not cloud the expansive possibilities which await me, keep me sitting on the edge of my seat, always knowing that something wonderful is coming. Getting lost in this symphony of thoughts, its sounds swirling around me, I dance, knowing that

a breeze blows and 
how the willow bends, 
the mighty oak rustles or 
the dead leaf dances- 

these are the songs
of the willow, 
the mighty oak and 
the dead leaf. 

The fact that we all feel the breeze, 
is what makes us one.


Monday, August 9, 2010

I know a secret

I know a secret
it was buried in time
beneath thoughts that commanded
the hollow of my mind

I know a truth
which blossomed within me
in feelings that rushed and
pulsed, quickening through me

I learned of love
it was mine for the taking
but for so long I held it
off while I faked it

I found a heart
that beats louder than any
the one where this love
grows deeper than plenty

I found a light
that burns brighter than sun
and it glows and enlivens
and fuses us all as if one

And the love in the heart
glowing bright in white light
this is love from within
and from you, we unite

And this secret I know
this is faith at its finest
it is knowing that light
is what's walking beside us

And it isn't from where
or to where, that we dare
It is honoring that which
we know to be here

I know this secret
but it's not mine to tell
It would do you much better
to learn it yourself


One glorious moment
just a snapshot in time
whispers through the opened crack
between the dark and light

Dissonance reigning
conducting choir's sudden cadence
abruptly, turning, til the chords
harmoniously slay us

and so we live

Monday, August 2, 2010



Dancing on each drop of light
sliding down the rays so bright
it's only in this blinding light
that I can see the vivid sight

Lifting my hand toward the light
with palms raised up or clenched so tight
and only in this state so right can I
dance upon this brightest light

And so it is

One little moment

Last week when my heart was feeling a bit restless, leaving my body just a little antsy, I kept wondering what was coming next.  I no longer hear the prompts that tell me to wait, I only hear silence.  So I wait... to hear something new.  This waiting was growing a little old when the possibility crossed my mind, that perhaps I was using my wait mandate as an excuse to be lazy.  That very afternoon in my email was a reminder from the UC that I should get excited about the upcoming Sunday service.  Toward the bottom of the bulletin was a reading from Reverend Will.  Whether or not those were usually included I could not tell you.  But this very moment brought me a story of a caterpillar that was completely useless as it was approaching the end of its caterpillarhood.  It no longer knew how to be a caterpillar as it readied itself to be a butterfly. 

A butterfly.  Imagine that.

So I'm not sure if the universe, God, Spirit, or the Puppet Master (as I like to call god) is accustomed to playing practical jokes on people, but I felt a little tricked this last week.  As I ran my hand over case after case of jewelry, only one piece called me.  Asking the sales girl for a little help I knew in the pit of my stomach that this piece was the one for me.  Not only did it have the perfectly textured separators that I adore, but from its end dangled a charm with Kwan Yin's image.  Kwan Yin is the goddess of compassion who has brought me so much peace.  Not she, the goddess, but she the concept and the freedom which I own to call on her as needed.  It is that sacred knowledge that if you can see or feel it, it is yours.  Amen and Amen.

As I marveled at this piece as I would a newborn baby that had just emerged from me I was lost in the wonder... what would these stones do for me?  The kind clerk told me that these reddish stones had healing powers which lead me to the conclusion that they were connected with my root chakra.  Sold.  We were meant to be love.

I wore it out, of course- no need to waste a bag and it sat so beautifully next to my heart bangle.  But as I admired it in the light I realized that its color was more orange than red.  Sure enough carnelion (according to the www) is an orange stone and is associated with creation and sexuality.  I thought how funny it is that the pure energy of creation and sexuality are so deeply connected. 

On Sunday as I listened to Reverend Wendy talk about our powers of creation I squirmed in my seat.  She spoke of a woman who travels deep into jungles where her life is in a constant state of danger- because her calling to bring the world's condition to light, was something she could not squirm out of.  I listened as Wendy talked about Peter the apostle, as he walked across the water to get to Jesus.  This is faith.  Faith, the definition of which I defined for myself just last week as being the ability to believe in yourself, your greatness, and your knowing.  Then she used the words that rang my bell louder and clearer in that one short moment, than I've ever heard a bell ring.  Inside out.  Those two little words.  They took one little moment to spill from her lips. 

So god, my puppet master, what is it that I'm supposed to do.  Oh Laura, what do you want from me?  WEAR THE INSIDE OUT!  What???  I said what as if the answer had been uttered in an unintelligible language, but I knew its meaning.  As I had been thinking about my stories, my greater truths, and the arts that have sprung from them I realized that in order for mankind to know how he feels which will enable him to feel for others, he must work from the inside, and wear the inside out.  No hiding.  Just a raw and naked relationship- the most intimate of all- with oneself.  And that, folks, is how we get there...

From the inside, out.