It's been a few years since I waited for a dentist to do some major work on my teeth. One particular tooth has been growing increasingly sensitive. As per usual I put off taking care of it- not because I'm afraid of the pain, but because well, I'm afraid of the failure. Beyond the sensitive tooth, while chewing some nuts, I chomped down on something incredibly hard and I just knew I had broken a tooth. The good news (and I use the word good quite liberally here), is that I didn't break anything. I simply lost a crown. So now with two major issues, the call was undeniably requisite.
The wait in the waiting room (excellent naming choice) was longer than I liked. Every time I wait to see a dentist I recall the horrors of my childhood dental examinations. This was the one place that the girl who almost always got 100% on every test, who never did anything to upset her parents, who excelled in sports, music, and anything she ever chose to, this was the place where she failed. One year my older brother came out of his exam with 4 (gasp) cavities in just one year. My older sister was next. Unbelievable- she came out with EIGHT of them. My mother didn't waste any time being upset with her- she simply whipped her head around toward me and warned with digital prominence, "Don't you dare." Oh yes, I did. TWELVE cavities. All at once. Now, in my defense- I was born with a cleft palate and had the most crowded teeth a person could, a condition which has always haunted me. I cannot convey how demoralized, ashamed, and shocked I was with the dentist's results.
My mom cried all the way home on the bus, with her three decayed children in tow, wondering how she was going to pay for all of those fillings. This was one of those experiences that wrecks you every time you remember it. I failed her. All I ever wanted was for my mother to love me, and I failed her.
So you would think that being the smart, logical and practical person that I am, I would now stay on top of things like tooth aches, rebuilding my life, settling financial scores with my former spouse, and getting on my merry way to having it all. You would. I am working on it.
This was the most amazing day. I had a sweet trek through the hills with my fun and furry friend, showered and made myself pretty and then headed off to the Unity Center. WHY do people wear too much perfume? (Or any at all?) A very sweet and beautifully adorned woman (wearing gorgeous peacock blue from eyelids to toes) came and plopped down next to me in the middle of the introduction to the service. As quickly as I admired the exuberance of her garb, I inhaled the abundance of her perfume. It was choking me. I spent almost the entire meditation time arguing with myself about why I should or shouldn't move to another seat. I was worried about hurting her feelings. Besides, I was there first and if anyone should move, it should be her. But that wouldn't be very spiritual of me, to make a STINK about how she smelled, so I waited, hoping that I would build up a tolerance to the infectious gas that was wafting my way. I couldn't concentrate on anything that Wendy was saying. Then I heard the woman giggle and I couldn't help but turn in her direction and notice how beautiful she was- proud as a peacock, in her Sunday best.
No better follow up to the UC, than hitting the beach when it's done. I've grown accustomed to, and actually now enjoy, doing these things on my own. It was the most perfect beach day ever. The sun was so warm, the sky was clear and there was ample space between the sand camps of alone souls, down at our end of the beach. The happy families and loving couples are usually happy to plop down wherever, so why bother walking? But those of us in search of solace (like we don't already have too much of that LOL), we walk a little farther and stake our claims where we are free to think out loud and wander untouched by eyes or voices, communing with our lover, nature.
I tried to read several articles from the Light of Consciousness... but my own stream kept intervening and interrupting the authors' words. I guess I had a few things that needed to be thought out. I thought about how hard I had worked at making a happy family, about how much I gave to try to be a good wife, and how much I gave over the years, with all of my caring and hard work, to causes that needed me. And yet here I sat, alone, watching so many happy couples and families walking by. I couldn't help but think that that should have been me.
But it wasn't. I have for a long time been angry with my former spouse because of what he did to the kids, to me, and to the family. There is no excusing his cruelty but there is understanding to be meted toward a person I once adored. It isn't all that rare that I think about what it is that she gives him that I never could. What I realized today, that has lingered in its haunting, is that I've been worried that my love wasn't good enough. I was still worrying that I had somehow let him down. He simply didn't love himself, so how could he have loved others? So no, Laura, your love was not enough. But yes, it was good love.
Following a 45 minute wait in the big room to see the new dentist I walked slowly into the little room and took a seat. In walked a tall man with a grand smile who asked what he could do to help me. He was so matter of fact about everything. He explained that he wasn't certain that he could save my aching tooth. It might be a little too far gone. As if he hadn't just dropped a bomb in the room, he stuck his fingers and little telescopic mirror into my mouth and commented out loud about how nice and clean my teeth were. That was the first time I had ever felt good in a dentist's chair (other than the initial administration of nitrous oxide- but that's a whole different "good"). Within a very quick minute his assistant had the xrays up on the screen for him. He put his hand on my shoulder and announced that I came in just in time. A little deep digging, cleaning out the roots, and my tooth would be as good as new. Maybe even stronger and better.
.Om nama shivaya
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