Reaching out beyond the dream of what you thought was real, spinning on this ball of life, head now under heel. Ready to die, to live this life so raw, alive on ledge- dancing, hurling, freeing your soul to finally stretch the edge.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Turn outs

Among my most recent realizations is that I am sometimes intolerant.  What?  ME??? Ugggghhhh.  But yes, it is true.  Every time I become annoyed with someone because they're not quick or smart enough, I am being intolerant. I'm not at all judging another driver for the type of car they're driving, but rather how they're driving it, and how that might affect me or anyone else. 

I have heard myself many times touting the benefit of having grown up in the world's largest melting pot (NYC).  It's entirely difficult to not accept people as people, regardless of their tonal qualities, when you have to count on them to help you keep the beat and rhythm.  Running the streets and swaying in the subways of NY, you must maintain a quick pace and you need to count on the same efforts from your neighbors.  If one person slows down it becomes a log jam, with a backup that blocks all progress.  Everything always seems fine when people keep moving.  Go with the flow. 

Living in California now I have become a bit more mellow and I'm not sure if I wouldn't be the new grid's block in that maddening NY pace.  It feels as though I've gone from raging river to babbling brook over time.  And yet, I still have an urgent sense to rush and keep things moving.  Yesterday I had a beautiful drive home from Palm Springs down some steep hills, through blasted rock banks, and around dizzying, curvy roads.  Of course the routes only offered one lane in each direction and with all of the blind turns, not a whole lot of yellow dashes.

In no way do I begrudge anyone the right to drive at a safe and comfortable speed.  Sometimes even I slow down a bit.  What I find so frustrating, that always brings out the worst in me, (as well as bringing colorful words out of my mouth) is when Captain Cautious suddenly speeds up at the sight of my delicious dashes.  Is it really the greatest insult to have someone pass you?  What if, g-d forbid, you aren't -g-a-s-p- doing your very best?  Well then, you show them how it's done, and ram that pedal to the metal!  Ain't nobody passing me!  This went on for 30 miles.  There weren't a whole lot of breaks in the line-age but each time there was, like Old Faithful, that silver Toyota went off!

I'm not sure if his coffee finally kicked in, but after a while my silver fox caught up to a line of cars, with me right on his tail.  There was a camaraderie in the procession as my friend was proud of his new status.  Fine, I thought, at least we're moving smoothly now (see how tolerant I've become?).  We were until a big, black FORD pickup tried to hitch his wagon to my personal star.  This guy didn't seem to care that 6 inches was not a safe buffer.  Every once in a while he'd fall back, but then come zooming up again.  I was waiting for his arm to come out the window, swinging his lasso, ready to rope me from behind.

After having quite enough of his rude behavior I saw a sign for a TURN OUT which suggested that slower moving cars employ this act of grace.  Nope.  I wasn't even going slow- no way I was going out of my way to give him a turn in the lead.  Besides, he'd just wind up right behind another car, tormenting them in the same way.  He wasn't too happy that I didn't turn out, so he turned up the volume on his anger.  In a mercifully short while, there was another turn where I could get out of this ridiculous tiff so I took it.  As he blew by me, never slowing down a bit, I snapped, "Bastard!"

Carefully resuming my journey on the scenic, winding road, I quickly caught sight of my camaradavan.  After I accelerated, on a mission of revenge, I decided instead to sit back and enjoy my own ride.  Sometimes we have to take things just a little bit slowly.  There are times when throwing up our hands in defeat is the best solution- the one that brings us peace.  So I guess it is true that you can't control anything, all you can do is take those turns carefully, accelerate through the straightaways, and bend a little, if you need to.  There's no guarantee of how things might turn out, but there is the satisfaction of progressing down the road, and being on my way. 

If I learn to tolerate my own intolerance, do you suppose that makes me just a little more tolerable?


For all the times that flowers bloomed
in each new life, in every womb
riding comets' shooting tails of blue
with each new breath I think of you

When earth does spin around and round
and ocean's waters skyward bound
when the rain comes, a pouring down
my heart will sing of rapture found

Your heart so true and like a glove
fitting my soul, my yearning, enough
like fire that's sent from heaven above
your touch is why I believe in love

In love so true- as the comet's light
the rain's new blossom, and then so bright
two souls again awake and enlivened
and dream no more in the darkest night

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

well spent

You know those days when you just feel good about how it all went. The work, the fun, the chores, your hair...

Never mind the hair- it did NOT look good today.

The air is so beautiful tonight with a pinch of cold chilling the deep blue sky. About an hour ago I was climbing up the canyon just letting my mind wander. You know those minutes where, while driving, you realize that you haven't been paying attention? Trying to remember where your thoughts went is futile- but I drill myself until I quit, laughing. Waking from one of those moments today I saw two of my favorite things- rocky, green hills and deep blue sky with scattered gray-white clouds.

Takes my breath away every single time.

This is my favorite day of the year. Tomorrow will be a good one, but today is the one where I am most filled with excitement and hope. It is the singular moment which pivots between satisfaction and anticipation. Celebrating a life that has been mostly well-lived, bearing fruits of love and goodness.  It has been a year filled with hard-won peace and harmony.  And I still get to look to what is yet to come... an ever-expanding, wonderful me whose facets are truly beginning to sparkle.

I'm looking out to the hills where the light slides in sideways in the evening. The magnificent peaks are dwarfed by the voluminous clouds, no longer white. My spirit is so very grateful for the beauty I see and feel in every thought, motion, dream and heartbeat. This day heralds the carving of a milestone, and the beginning of something of which I have not yet dreamt.  And I will celebrate it with a fabulously feminine frock, a  self-indulged gift (I acted very surprised when I opened the mail today!), cake (at least twice) and hopefully... if all goes well... some really good hair.

Happy Birthday to Me!


You hear me think and know my thoughts
And how I seem to be
Yet in the quest for peace at last
You do not think of me

You dance the corner, Wallflower
Slowly, moving time
But when I take the floor again
You skip this dance of mine

You listen as I sing out loud
Mouthing every word
And when the chorus comes around
Your voice is never heard

You talk to those who fill your flock
And tell them what should be
But when I try to share your thought
You do not talk to me

You wait silent in the farthest row
Though the lights have all gone out
No one’s left to see you bow
Alone, you scream and shout

I think of you, alone at night
I dream your dreams for free
It doesn’t cost a thing, this time
Oh, you should think of me

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Sometimes when the rain pours down
Making mud of my earthy treasures
Amidst the gray of weather’s cover
I wonder why the jade tree bleeds

Patiently waiting for warmth and wonder
But then comes sun’s relentless heat
Not quite parched nor withered just yet,
I hear the jade tree cry

Yes owl b here to clip your wonder
Stand strong with you in the harshest weather
Then bloom you will, in the warmth of sun
I know why the jade tree thrives

On this path we roam we must from the sun, sometimes lower our sight
For if we never shade our eyes, we will be blinded by the light

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

HE turned the water into wine

Stepping in time with the notes promptly plucked
I dance to this rhythm as the music is played
The magic's sway, is like floating on a cloud
I ride this gem stream that pulls me far, far away

Through the park I run well past light’s turn to dark
Unaware of the frights that hide behind bushes
Laughing out loud seems my only defense
Til you hear, chase, and then push me down

Wash your face and hands, and then take a seat
Sit down a while, here- swallow this treat
You’ve been running so long, my wrong-way child
It’s time to slow down, to stop running so wild

Back on my feet I’m moving again
Don’t even know where I’m going this time
What I do know is that this road is the vein
That pumps and fuels this dance's time

Don't you know, momma, this dance is my choice,
A heart beat’s rhythm, an unrehearsed voice?
Why do you always try to change my mind?
Momma, you drink the water, and I’ll drink the wine

This dream spin of yours, surely will kill me
Listen to my truth, just swallow this pill
What the hell is wrong with you, my blackened child?
How dare you choose this call of evil?

You never saw the things I did
and never heard the songs I chimed
You just sat in the corner blaming me
for your numbing fear of dancing . . . of dying

Isn’t happiness the visceral choice,
The choir’s sweet, melodic voice?
My heart is my mind, Momma, as I dance in time
So you drink the water, and I’ll drink the wine

Monday, May 3, 2010

Oh right ah

Sometimes I think that I know what love's all about
and when I see the light,
I know that I'll be alright. -PG

Sweet girl, your pain moves me...

And in time will come a strong, new desire
Which will bring with it, a change of reason
The grandfather clock never stops its turning
Always knowing its own chime and season

And pain becomes your deepest pleasure
When love frees you, to sing its new song
And the tears will no longer be the measure
When the light fades your shadow, so long

And why does hurt always find you there
In the shelter of your knowing heart
And why does sorrow take that dare
To cheat you, the game you played in the yard

Do you remember those days when we laughed and played
Do you remember countless dreams in the rain
Laying, hands behind head, catching drops on our face
Slipping, sliding and twirling- trusting our warm, secret place

And why when we love with all of our hearts
Why, when we give all that we can
Does it seem that sweet love parts-
From whose hand is dealt this wicked pain?

Do you remember those days when love was a given
Do you remember when heaven was not a question
We lived and breathed knowing what was ours
When joy, not sadness, colored the plucked pink flower

And in time will come the spring’s warmth and splendor
when love comes and sings the song we remember
We'll be chanting the lyrics that we know so well
'Cause our light burns brighter, now more than ever

And in the shelter of love’s warmth and splendor
we will abide another time
(as we always knew we would)
Safely, gratefully, gleefully counting
the ticking moments most sublime

But for now the clock ticks slowly, 
as we learn the song anew
In a moment with awakened yearning
in time, in time- we'll dance here too