a very good day to die

A most exquisite morning started a little bit late. The sun was already shining and the crystals which covered the grass blades were thawing. Not yet ready to abandon their posts, they sparkled with prismatic color as the sun kissed each one of them.

"a million blades
a billion lights
envelop my soul
what a glorious sight"

Having gone out expecting a colder morning I was wearing too many layers, leaving me a little bit heated. I contemplated removing my outer shirt but was quickly distracted by what lay before me. Just the most beautiful shady area covered in fallen golden leaves. We quickly descended the hill and reveled in the coolness of the shade as we crunched through the bed of leaves. It was too beautiful.

Of course I got lost in it and found myself thinking about my "burning bowl." Tonight is the night where we put our pasts behind us and forge ahead into something more positive. I thought about what I might cremate and well, unfortunately several things came to mind. I laughed at myself because it didn't even matter to me that I had work to do. There I stood, a person who is so much wiser, stronger and more beautiful than ever before, and yet so imperfect. What in the world would I ever do with myself if there wasn't something to work on? I'm just so grateful for the ability to heal and still enjoy in spite of my shortcomings. Life is so very good.

A sudden breeze rattled the branches above me and I was showered with golden drops. Drops reminiscent of greener, warmer days. Drops which were now more beautiful as they danced then bowed to their new existence. Even my pups stood in silent awe of this magnificent show.

So I guess that in spite of my lost chances at love, almost losing my daughter, and being a little too sick- the celebration of this past year lies in the joyful souvenirs it has all left me. It's almost too much...

thank you!

.

sadness SUCKS

I could not hold
The load alone
You rubbed the sticks
I set the stones

We gathered scraps to
Feed the flames
Which jumped and rolled
And skyward aimed

We drew our breath
Then fanned the fire
Two separate hearts
One burning desire

But then you went
Away so quickly
My heart left wrecked
My stomach sickly

Alone I wait
And time keeps turning
Just me alone, yet
My heart's still burning
.

Carnivorous

Prowling the hills
solitary we hunt
for sustenance
we scour the earth

Finding the kill
that pertinent fill
but rooting for pain
we’re just hungry again

Rip it to shreds
mouth dripping with blood
Coming up for air
we have nothing to fear

Can you survive the stream
Of the blood that flows
Can you rip it to shreds
Will you break bread with me

Will you wear the warm pelt
As we worship the sun
And peacefully slumber
Once the feasting is done

Can the warmth of our flesh
thaw the raw of our souls
Can the depth of our truths
quench us, hungry carnivores

As they lay in the dirt
our hearts beating aloud
They poke and they laugh
The finger pointing crowd

Can you swim up the stream
Of the blood that flows
Can you rip it to shreds
Won't you break bread with me
.

just one look

The direction of my gaze abruptly pivoted skyward
As I remembered to look for a shooting star

As if there was a sale on sky lights
Heaven displayed its abundance of wealth and wonder

My eyes scanned the vast canvas
But were drawn to the line of mountains

Which cut the sky as waking cuts through dreams
As if kissed by g~d I longed to see the shooting once again

ummmm... dry spell

Here are some pics from December nights:

I grieve...

Last night I set out for a walk when the streets had already quieted and people were nestling, snuggled in their beds. The moon was ripe with light, surrounded by an abundance of clouds that looked like they had been canvas textured in my Photoshop. Perhaps it was because of the saturated cloud diffusion but the light was almost too bright. All of that reflection just bouncing around, from white to white, almost blinded me.

I've been walking alongside my sadness. I know better than to run from it, and I certainly know that it needs to be honored. But the time had come to accept it. This is the hardest part of grieving because you're letting go of what you grasped so tightly. I let my anger flow and right on its tail came the tears. There was just no escaping last night's reflection. Transformed, my tears became daggers of light which ripped their way down my face before leaping from my chin, on their journey to quench the dry earth beneath me.

Unfair. Fair is an idea that perhaps should be removed from our consciousness. Isn't it just a self-imposed concept that we conveniently paste on whatever we choose to either embrace or deny? It certainly isn't fair that she died. It isn't fair that she suffered the way that she did. It isn't fair when life hands us an unbearable load, takes our love, or burns our house down. Fair is irrelevant. People get sick, people are unkind, people are selfish and we suffer. We ache. We die.

I'm not sure how long I walked or cried, but my eyes were starting to run dry. When I looked up at the moon I noticed that it had burned a big hole in the clouds. Now I could see it so clearly as it waited, alone in its halo of clarity. I thought about Dawn and wondered about so many things... things I'll never know. There are no answers to most of our questions. And that is what makes acceptance so difficult. What we have left is our own manufactured resolution. This is what fills in the holes, and allows us to fill up the well again. Perhaps this emotional caulking is a simple practice in delusion, but what other choice do we have? Wallowing is a waste of precious time and energy.

As I headed toward the last hill that would lead me home I remembered that I could wish. I wished and hoped. I hoped that the last time she spent with her children, that they laughed. Then I wished that they will find that laughter again.

Ring the bell that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

- Leonard Cohen

only the best for you...

.
When I put my hand to my heart today
The flood of hopes and thoughts might say
That I wish for you, my friend this day
The peace you seek, so love you may


When I open my heart to your secrets so dear
I see your hurt, your confusion, your fears
Then I wish for you compassion so clear
That your peace and hope will soon draw near
.