Reaching out beyond the dream of what you thought was real, spinning on this ball of life, head now under heel. Ready to die, to live this life so raw, alive on ledge- dancing, hurling, freeing your soul to finally stretch the edge.

Friday, February 19, 2010

You should be with me

I sit alone again tonight
Face lit with blue computer light
My heart is heavy with lots of whys
I will not let these stinging eyes
Cry again
I sit and think of you tonight
Not what is wrong, but what is right
This desire for you a tease and taunt
My want for you a lusty haunt
That wrecks me

Say my name

You know, sometimes

Even when I smile - I'm drowning inside

In a pool of tears

All welled up hidden deep inside

He said I was pretty

And we talked for a while

He didn’t know my name

But he sure knew my smile

(Sometimes, although

You hear me laugh - I'm dying inside)

He told me about

His wounded old heart

His bent, broken love

was his shiny new art

Sometimes although

you touch me inside - I sit here so lonely

In a heap of fear

All huddled up - and cold inside

He talked of his love

And he held it so close

I tried to see what he had

But he held it too close

He looked in my eyes and

He touched my soft face

So I held his sweet hand

And tried to tell him my name

sometimes when

You watch while I dance -





Wednesday, February 17, 2010


The eloquence of silence speaks only to those who cannot hear

The beauty of life’s living is known only by those who do not fear

The bliss of your love felt only when you come, naked, here

It's hanging in my aura like the sounds of the seagulls did, on Monday. That squeal that reminds me that I am where I most love to be... in beauty and in love... in me.

When I arrived at the North end, there wasn't much beach to sprawl out on as the water was especially frisky. A few brave wave jockeys were out in the peaks that looked like they were at least triple the height of their own fleshy statures. What was left of the battered ridge above the sand was ripe with anticipation as the wet suits and bucket-toting tots waited to begin.

I knew there was a risk in plunging down onto the beach, as one of those waves could rush up at any time and whisk me away. I guess I barely thought about it before tossing my goods down into the sand. I needed to be in that beauty and it wouldn't have mattered if it took my life.

The sweetest surrender comes only when naked and fearless, you submit to your longing.

I nestled my chair into an alcove of rocks which served as an amphitheater of echo when the waves crashed and roared. It was a symphony of magnificence which stole my thoughts and breath. It was in this abandoned state of cognizance that I realized the eloquence of silence. An infusion of unparalleled beauty set ablaze, the currents of energy which grounded me.

I don't know if minutes or hours had passed, but since the waters had receded and the sun was beginning to singe me, I peeled off my sweatshirt and headed down the beach. Any other day might have found me caring that my melon-tinted bra was obviously exceeding the limits of my skimpy white tank top. If I hadn't already been wishing to be naked at that time, I might have cared.

It never takes more than a few minutes for me to find my way into the water. Just a little bit... cool my feet...
A huge wave snuck up behind me, and soaked me to my waist. It almost sounded like playful laughter as the rocks tumbled upon themselves in the retreating of my prankster.

Looking down to see how soaked I was (as if this was actually a question), I laughed. It was a good thing I changed my underwear when I decided to wear the thin, white pants because... the saturation of color which the ocean afforded my garb, showcased some vibrant, multi-colored polka dots beneath my now see-through pants. These definitely matched my upper wear more than their predecessor, the leopard spots, would have.

Yeah, walking down the beach in the warmth of sun, blissful and harmonious, right down to my underwear. Not a care or a fear, in the eloquence of this silence.

There is hooting outside my window tonight. I love it when you sing to me.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Something blue

It was to be a messy-hair, no make-up day once my "valentine" company bailed on me.

I drove around for a while, bought some deliciously sweet pineapple (which made an excellent dinner), stared at a tree (in my defense- it has the most beautiful patterning in spots where it had clearly lost some limbs), meditated (sweet escape), looked at pictures and thought a lot about where I really wished I was spending the day.

This morning I asked Her for some strict and structured guidance. I know this is a cop-out but this haze I've been nesting in is getting old. My longings are making me weary, and my creative channel is filled with static. None of my usual clutch-popping tricks have been working, other than to barely get me moving. I wish I could have seen her, beyond what my imagination conjured, with her arms crossed, tapping her foot, and shaking her head at me. Other peoples' imaginary friends are quite a lot of fun. Mine just likes to kick my ass. She was just not going to do my homework for me.

Last night someone whom I greatly admire told me that he's been crabby. It was pretty funny because his crabby is most people's better days from what I can tell. I thought about him a lot today (for many reasons), and it helped me to look at myself a little differently.

Being the Laura that I am, one of my greatest priorities in this life is to give and to enrich the happiness of those that I love or anyone who asks it of me. Unfortunately I sometimes drive myself nuts in the process as I worry just a little too much about other people. The truth is, really, that they can take care of themselves! So I had bought a couple of Valentine's gifts for some unsuspecting people. Last night I did not give it as the situation simply didn't lend itself to my expectation. They were chocolate covered fortune cookies. And then, for my sweet friend who would not be able to spend the day with me today, I purchased blue heart-shaped Murano glass earrings.

So as I sit here licking the chocolate off of my fingers I'm realizing that this stagnation which was getting old, is singing something new. There's nothing wrong with being a little bit less sometimes- even when it's me I'm letting slide. Nothing is going to crumble, and there is nothing to borrow to make up for it. She was right again- imagine that.

Something blew in

And then out once again

Never pausing to see

Where it stood for a moment

It rushed and drifted

As it whirled round my heart

Never knowing its place

In the memory of time spent

… breathe it in deeply

Friday, February 12, 2010

Rada Mambo

Rada Mambo (Queen of Swords): The essence of air behaving as water, such as a refreshing mist: A person gifted with both keen logic and natural intuition, giving them uncanny powers of perception and insight. One who easily sees past deception and confusion to the heart of a matter, and understands both sides of any argument. The embodiment of calm, forthrightness, and wit, in the face of even the most trying circumstances.

I asked, "What makes life so wonderful?"

Hey now

Hey friend, come to me
In the green grass of spring
Together we’ll be as
We laugh, cry and sing

Hey, bring me your wonder,
Your dreams, frowns and blunders
Come sit down beside me
As our souls frolick asunder

Hey you, draw near me
Come rise within my gaze
And when the feast is done
Share the sweet, soothing laze

Hey love, can you feel it
Can you see, touch and hear it?
As we watch with curiosity
Do you long to be in it?

Hey, as I wander this path
I see that you know it well
But do you know what I feel
Does your soul yearn to tell?
Save your sermons for someone that's afraid to love...

It is not finding love that I'm afraid of. It's losing it... again.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

sore'n kickin'hard, uggghhh

lost in time and lost in this space
running scared from this enticing place
moving away as if in a race
to save my soul, my heart, my face

from losing once again


To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself. ~Soren Kierkegaard