Reaching out beyond the dream of what you thought was real, spinning on this ball of life, head now under heel. Ready to die, to live this life so raw, alive on ledge- dancing, hurling, freeing your soul to finally stretch the edge.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Love, joy and pieces

Grimy and a bit sweaty, I ripped my shirt first then my bra off, readying for the warm shower that was pounding in the background.  The drops' audible concerto muffled only slightly, the sound of my aqua aura stone hitting the cold, hard tile.  It felt like a slow mo replay as the sight of my joy rock shattering, overpowered the echoes of the fall.

I had been meaning to find a way to encase the stone which I could then chain around my neck.  Now it was too late.  Picking up the pieces in my hand (there are now 6) I wondered what I could construct with these shattered shards of blue.  Just two weeks ago my Reiki master presented me with this stone which came with two simple instructions.  First, I was to bring more joy into my life.  She has helped me rid myself of the karmic, psychic and emotional debris that were clogging my joy pores, because I'm ready and it's time.  The second directive was to keep the stone with me, which was the reason it was tucked safely between the underside of my left breast and my bra, so close to my heart.

So here I sit staring at my 6 piece aqua aura pile of joy.  I laugh because these fragments are so symbolic of my life which truly is joy-filled, and a result of many breaks.  Breaks of hearts, promises, dreams, illusions, delusions, lies, truths, and beliefs.  There are many people who believe in the power of crystals, as there are many who believe in the power of God, communion, chanting, and even joy and love.  These last few months have been an incredible passage in my life- the shift from stability (which was long and hard fought for) as I catapulted in a spiraling back-flip into ecstasy.  How I got here is no feat of magic, just the simple knowledge that I am love and light.  This has empowered me to forgive myself all of my sins- big or small, which in turn has allowed me to forgive others' theirs.  This freedom has afforded me the ability to love myself in spite of my flaws, in spite of my wrongs.  And this, in turn, allows me to freely love the light in others.

Later in the day, after my shaman gifted me an aura of joy, I fell in love with the world a little more deeply.  While trolling around San Diego with a delicious friend I wandered away, getting caught up in the artistry of unknown souls.  To feel the magic in each woven strand of fabric, or brush stroke of genius on a canvas, I was swept into that ecstatic knowing sense of unison with this beautiful world.  A quiet tap on my shoulder told me to look up and there it was- the word JOY spelled out in glistening red garland, just above a green doorway.

I was never taught to seek joy.  Life was just a chore to be endured and survived.  It has taken a lot of pain-soaked years to get here, and to learn to honor my highest self and our needs.  But here I am.

If I had seen the garland joy just one day earlier, it might not have tickled me the way it did now (and does every time I now think of it).  But isn't that just how joy works?  Would I not appreciate and understand the greatness of what I have, if it were not for all that I have lost, all that I have come to crave?  Would your face not be so beautiful or so understood and appreciated, if it were not for the loss and longing's light in which I now see it?  Would you not touch me, unbeknownst to you, the way that you do, if I could not want and feel what I do?

My little pile of rocks is now scattered through parts of my life.  A little bit in my car, a piece on my work desk, one in front of my computer where I sit and write this, one on my night stand, a new part of my shrine to the call for love, and the biggest chunk I keep safely in my pocket.  Every so often I reach into that pocket and touch my joy.  It's mine...

Thank you

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Prime rib for the homeless

You know the feeling... you're standing half way between the living room and the foyer, exhausted from days of shopping, wrapping, cleaning, cooking, fretting, smiling, and eating- all enhanced by the roller coaster of emotions that accompany the holidays.  The memories of what you had, what you've lost, what you are, thoughts of what you will be.  And now, at this very minute you are waiting for the company to leave. 

Today's dinner guests were not a well-planned bunch, but included some friends I adore and one that my daughter did.  This was supposed to be a day off for me since my son was going to be with his dad.  The weight of the warld was off my shoulders as I have shed my anger and grief, and this was the first holiday that I wasn't completely dreading.  So I was going to do my nails, hike, and take a long hot bath.  But my daughter invited a dinner guest from school.  This girl, she said, had no family.  Okay... What the heck.  So I invited some friends as well.  Prime rib, sweet potatoes, and an assortment of desserts.  Gripe as I may, I love doing it.

The woman, Ursula, didn't seem to be too much of anything.  She was plain and unassuming, but the more that she spoke the more I realized how bright she was.  Kate had told me that she was one of San Diego's homeless and that she lived in shelters and had nothing.  She talked about how Ursula dragged a duffel bag to and from school each day, filled with all of her possessions.  Before today was over Ursula was the proud owner of a new rolling duffel bag, a laptop computer, shampoo, a backpack and some designer duds. 

When she first walked through the door she stared at the beautiful mountains just beyond the expansive sliding doors, the Christmas trees so sweetly decorated, the pretty furniture and the beautifully set table.  There was nothing in her gaze other than pure gratitude for what she was to be a part of . She loved the food, but ate modestly in spite of the bounty.  She engaged in the conversations with a child-like inquisitiveness when something was not already in her realm.  She could not stop the thank yous from falling from her lips as my daughter showered her with gifts she never imagined she'd be getting.  Jen and I sat across the great room listening to Kate's laughter and joy in this giving extravaganza.

As we stood in the living room saying our goodbyes she thanked me first for all of the gifts.  She made mention of my beautiful daughter and how blessed we are.  She was right.  For all of the things that I have always wished for my children, to be humble, gracious and giving have always been my favorites.  Then she thanked me for helping her to feel like a child again.  She explained, in no uncertain terms, that she had felt that life and God had given up on her.  Our simple acts validated for her that she mattered as a person. 

The final part of her oratory was what moved me the most.  She was worried that our beautiful gifts would be stolen by the other "residents" of the shelters.  Then she told us how she has learned to be grateful for what she does have, even when it's taken from her because these are just things and with a lot of practice and faith she has learned to forgive and understand those who do the taking.  Her main focus has been and continues to be, moving forward.  She confessed that she had forgotten this, but was glad to realize it again.

Her beaming smile was the greatest gift that I never thought to ask for.  For all of the hundred or so thank yous that spilled from her lips throughout the night, the one from which I couldn't shield my tears, was the final one where she thanked us for our love, in a shaking, crackling voice.  I almost didn't want her to leave, but hey- I was tired and life owed me a long, hot bath.

Early in the day today Kate picked my mutant lemon off the tree because it had ripened.  It was the sweetest smelling lemon I've ever inhaled.  You never really know how anything is going to turn out.  Sometimes things just seem so dark.  And sometimes, there is nothing but light.  Can't have one without the other.

Merry Christmas, indeed.

Monday, December 20, 2010


Reaching for yours

I catch myself remembering

that hand-holding 

is not my thing

Never been one to cuddle much

yet this morning clenching my pillow

my thoughts were of you

Not for nothing, but life taught me

that love isn't magical

yet bunnies thump in my tummy

whenever you are near

Don't like talking on the phone

but I find myself staring

at my pretty red one,

wondering what you might say

I thought that I might never know 

desire again yet I ache

at the thought of touching you…

…you touching me

Who would have thought

this broken heart

could ever 

thump again? 


Saturday, December 11, 2010

My wish list

The three wise children would like to know what I want for Christmas.  I haven't thought all that much about wanting anything because on the one hand I have too much.  On the other what I still want is not available on

What I want more than anything is to live in a world filled with understanding and compassion.  If we didn't have to experience the painful infliction of egoic manipulations of angry, sad and lost people, I would be happier.

Every time I see someone doing something for another with no expectation of return, my soul swells.  I guess I would like a little more of that.

I wish that more people would see that their neighbors, their animals and their earth are all a part of them- just as important as they are.  This might cut down on hatred, judgment and all kinds of isms and pain.

Please be happy.  Make good choices that serve your better selves.  And then teach this to my grandchildren.

I wish that people would realize that they are the miracles which they seek.  Enlightenment is not going to be found in a guru or doctrine, but in your own eyes, soul, heart, and self.  Listen to and feel what your soul knows- don't just recite another's thoughts.

I want you to always see the wonder in each drop of dew, on each blade of grass, in every field, every day.  If the twinkling of stars calls you, and if the roar of the ocean finds its way to soothe your soul, I will have enough.

These are the things that I wish for.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


Oh let me be the one
Who fills and moves your sails
The one who thrills your senses
a Love that never pales
Let me be the coupling
That conducts your flowing current
The pulse that beats and quickens
The one your yearning dream meant
My heart knew yours
So long ago
It might have been a dream
But then I saw your
Face once more
Among the living realm
Why don't you want to be the one
The one who’d die to move me
The one who craves this radiant vibe
To soothe your soul completely
Oh won’t you be the kiss of g~d
Your lips upon my lips
My sweetest song, like heaven's touch
Strummed from your fingertips
Your heart knew mine
Before, I know
In a different place and time
But when I saw your face 
in this familiar place
I dreamed you’d soon be mine