A few months ago when everything seemed to be moving along peacefully, something shifted. It started with a rock through a window. Two weeks later there was a crash. Then my dog died. Not far after, I almost died because of a tiny little kidney stone. The road back has been long, hard, painful and lonely. There has been heartache and fear- enough to scare even a mother, and there has been a lot of disappointment. My birthday came and went with just one birthday card and zero celebrations, my years of dedication to raising a child ended with me crying the night away when he wasn't allowed to put on a cap and gown and do the walk. My crazy hard work in spite of all of this has left me exhausted and emotionally listless.
Being the introspective person that I am, I am always considering things for myself that could be different, better, worse. I give thanks daily, even every minute for the things that go right- even if they are fleeting or fleeing. I give love, support, money, guidance and my heart each time I have the opportunity. I have read countless times, and firmly believe, that we get back what we give out. So where's my reward?
As the languishing layers of water glided in, each on the back of its forerunner, I could hear the crashing of the waves beyond, but kept my focus on the tiny toe tickles that were actually touching me. Do you remember the Charlie Brown Halloween special where the kids are trick or treating and after each stop when their bags were a little more full, they would each proclaim, "I got a lollipop!" "I got candy corn!" or "I got a penny." But poor Charlie Brown, all forlorn, could only offer up, "I got a rock." I don't know why this little scene has played a thousand times in my head over the years, when I clearly would have preferred a lollipop or a shiny penny, but it rings clearly from time to time. Yesterday I remembered the day that I first heard rocks tumbling in the somewhat brisk rolling of the waves that decided to go for it, until they ran out of ocean, laying all kinds of colors at my feet. It was so damn beautiful so I let them thrill me with their own presentation, before making them into my own art.
Not wanting to insult the ocean with my woeful rendition of salt water, I held my tears back yesterday when I let myself remember how alone I was in the hospital, how unappreciated I felt as my birthday went uncelebrated, how sad I remain that my sweet dog is gone, and how puzzled I have become that love keeps teasing me. I guess it was the moment that I decided to be done crying about the last few months and all of the difficulties. I did ask one more time though, "Life, why do you keep throwing rocks at me?"
Just as I was getting ready to retire to my chair, one particularly frisky wave came rolling in and laid a smooth little rock next to my foot. Just one. Something is coming...
Hiding in the shadows...
It is in the long shadows within the shade
it waits for me til I call its name
It is grimmest gray as it hugs yearning earth
dowsing parched, withered greens, quenching their thirst
It is explosive light trapped in a singular cloud
unabashedly longing to be bursting out
It is the dark within a dreary, cold night
blindly reaching for more, as it craves warmth and light
It is rising sun's splendor kissing ocean's still plane
til its rushing and swelling spawns joy's crashing wave
It is spilling your soul into hands cupped with care
that hold it so dear, just let go - and you're there
It is in the long shadows within the shade
I dance madly, gladly, calling its name
It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less
cuz you get what you chase, so go follow your bliss
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