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When my sweet young boy returns to me after days away it is not unusual for him to coax me into a position on a couch or bed, where I can stroke his hair and love him. His father is good to him, but mom's love is a comforting food which he still craves (thank you!). It's also pretty typical for him once he's had his fill, to start spilling his frustrations. His father isn't always an easy person to digest. His ways of living all revolve around what people think of him. This is precisely why he couldn't love me anymore. I wasn't thin enough. So he got himself a woman who was easy. Easy to control- she'll take anything, easy to direct- he's turned her into the boobonic woman, - and she doesn't seem to have too many expectations beyond what he can buy her. And he's all about buying things- "owning" is about as intimate as he can be.
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So, when this target, this woman who was not above sleeping with someone else's husband, who was comfortable with lying about the paternity of her one-night-stand bastard child, modifying her physical stature for someone else, made herself available, he bought it. Now she... they live in my house. A house that I own, with the husband that I cared for, for so many years. It wouldn't be normal to not be angry- at either one of them. Even after all of these years and with a completely different outlook, it makes me ill when I see either one of them.
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For the past month or so I have been being a bit hard on myself. I had bought a proverbial full-length mirror, to take a good, hard look at myself. It's been difficult for me to understand why no one wants to love me. Yes, I know that a big part of that is that I'm holding out for something truly terrific, but I thought I'd found people in that category a couple of times, but they just weren't interested. So I have been coming to terms with my deficiences. I try not to make too lengthy a list when I do this, or I'll wind up drowning in its depth. No, just pick the things that must be addressed now.
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#1 Me. After a lot of thought I have allowed myself to remember how wonderful it feels to be the best me that I can be. And it isn't about pleasing someone else. The hard truth for me, here, is that I got this way because of disappointment with myself. That never should have happened. So the thrust now is to be a healthier me. I don't have to be a supermodel anymore, but I need to honor this temple that houses my beautiful spirit.
#2 I need to be nice again. A lot of people think I'm nice and for this I am grateful. But I know, deep down, and inward- that anger and hurt have erupted into some pretty evil behavior (dolose means having malicious intent). What's really sad about this is that I was actually, truly relieved when Andrew left. I don't think I ever tried so hard to make anything work, but a big part of that was that I didn't want to give up because I had done it way too quickly the first time. Guilt does some pretty incredible things to you. Yes, I really loved Andrew, but once I realized what he was, I should have been out that door. Hanging on for reasons of guilt is no less destructive than hanging on for any other shallow cause. It simply wasn't love. I did harbor a hope that he would grow as a person and that has left me with a whole new understanding which is simply- people only change if they want to. Doesn't matter how right you are.
When I was in the 3rd grade I was much hated because I was the minority- both in color and intellect. Resentment is a potent toxin. One day one of the most awesomely feared, popular kids in the class was missing his hat. The whole class was quickly put to task to find Ferrando's hat. It was gone. The day ended just a few minutes later and we were all instructed to get our backpacks. Plopping mine on the desk I reached inside for my gloves and scarf and out came Ferrando's fake fur fedora. I was baffled and the open mouth display of confusion should have proved that. But Ferrando and his posse didn't see it that way. He promptly informed me that he was going to beat me up after school.
I never ran so fast in all of my life. I got home to find the house locked and no way in. My heart was beating so wildly that I thought I was going to die right there. As Ferrando turned the corner onto my block, I saw the mint green metallic Buick station wagon which I used to be embarrassed by, coming up the road. My father, with his usual big smile, came toward me completely unaware of my plight. Ferrando must have done a U-ey, because I raced upstairs and looked out the window to see him nowhere.
My mom wrote a note to my teacher, to solve the problem... so I walked extra slowly to school the next morning. I thought that the consequence of being late was a much wiser punishment than getting my skinny white ass kicked. Once in the door the office clerk excused me because of my usually perfect promptness, so I slipped into the classroom and tossed the note onto my teacher's desk. Ferrando watched with disdain as I slid into my chair, choking back the tears. After Mrs. C read the note (ALOUD (frigging lunatic teacher)), she called the office and had F's older sister come in and listen to an encore reading. She chastised him and told him that he'd be getting an awful spanking when he got home.
Ferrando was absent the next day and his sister came in to inform the class that his absence was due to the fact that he couldn't walk. When he returned the next day there was such a look of sorrow in his face. I didn't even think that any of that was for what he did to me, and yet I felt so bad for him. I wished that I could have done anything to take HIS pain away.
That's what I used to be like. Straight out of college I worked at a school where one of the women in accounting just hated me. It was not unusual for her to go out of her way to make my life more difficult. I never gave up being nice to her because I knew that there was an incredible fear in her heart. It took almost the entire year that I was there to make her trust (and yes, even LIKE) me, but it was a well won war. I used to be the kindest and most compassionate soul. I realized not long ago that I needed to be that again. My experience with Andrew makes this an incredible task, but what I do know is that recognizing our weaknesses is the biggest battle in the war. I also know that I have a loving heart- it may have been dented and possibly even broken, but not beyond repair.
#3 Learn to wait. Sometimes, the weight of our hearts keeps us waiting a little bit longer. But that's okay- the important thing is that we get there. Wherever I go, there is that mirror. I can't avoid it any longer. And why would I want to? There is MUCH to honor, in spite of the imperfections. I am beautiful. We all are.
When J came home a few days ago I could tell that he really needed to talk. It took a little while for him to spill, and he made me promise not to tell the secret. Let's just say that one of my "enemies" is not well. My first thought was that karma was delivering a flying roundkick to the side of her head, and that he deserved this punishment, but the better part of me took over and trembled a little, as I remembered that even THEY deserve the caring that I can afford them. We are all, after all, ONE.
Om mani padme hum... (and so it grows)
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Mirror, mirror on the wall
save me from the haughty fall
remind me that all for one
is truly one for all
mirror, mirror show me my face
not the one who lost the race
remember me, the child so kind
who knew to love in spite of hate
mirror, mirror be my guide
reflecting bright, to open wide
these eyes to see not only flaws
but honor god's own beauty inside
and so it is
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