The form of emptiness

Why do the days when your heart is so heavy, last so damn long?

These last few months have brought more disappointment and heartache than I would have chosen had life offered me a menu.  Really- who would consciously choose from the back page "Lose it" category, when appetizers, entrees and desserts are an option?

Heavy in my thoughts is the possibility that I am working out my previous lives' karmic debts.  I do not dare to make a decision on my opinion on that whole possibility, as I have nothing to go on, other than it would explain a lot.  But what I am left with must not be wrestled with, as that will simply exhaust my energies and probably result in nothing more than two losers- me and a theory.  Instead I must just be with what is.  

Leaving Frank in a state of fear and anxiety could have done no less than break my heart.  It's still broken and leaking and I suspect will remain so for quite some time.  And yet, it forced me to see not just the residues of both the mistakes I made along the way, as well as the shattered debris that I once thought was the absence of joy. When his brilliant light shined on those streaks-I saw an incredible man who didn't only suffer because of my flaws, but one who chose to realize all of the things that were good and right.

Countless hours and tears I have spent over the years, worrying that I had wasted time and goodness in vain attempts at life and love.  All that I ever wanted was for my love to matter to someone.  When I think about all of the love that I have gifted, I can't help but wonder if any of it ever made a difference.  It is sometimes hard to imagine that it has, but just like with Frankie, when you watch it move forward and you see a person win and find love (even when you once thought it would be you), then you know that it really has, don't you?

For all of the love that has been given to me, and for which was received from me, I am thankful.  For all of the wisdom that I have acquired, gratefulness fills me. To all of the joy and the heartaches that brought me here, I am indebted.