An unoriginal thought

Oh, the pain...

It's not that anything is particularly bothersome, it's that everything is a little too sedate. I was just standing in the shower as the (wasted) warm water poured over me, wondering what it would feel like to be in a cocoon. Not the emotional/spiritual, self-mandated check-outs I frequently engage in, but an actual, physical cocoon. My conclusion was that it would be like a cozy snooze in a shaded hammock on a warm day. ahhhh...

I've been noticing that life comes at us in waves. Waves of regret, waves of rapture, waves of cognizance and a whole bunch of hellos and goodbyes. If you watch the ocean as it rolls in to kiss the shore, you can see one sheet of water gliding atop another, and another, then another, as their fluid edges creep toward you. They're like escalator steps that elevate and carry you to a new dimension right where you are.

There is no greater apology, in my current state of understanding, than to feel remorse for your mistakes. In this state you actually feel the pain which you have inflicted on another. Only in this realization do you know what apology is. But it doesn't end there. Every time you rise up to something new (evolve or grow), you have a newer and deeper understanding of pain- or better yet, joy- even (or especially) when it's someone else's.

People wonder why they have to keep dealing with things that they have already conquered. The truth is that as we grow we have new eyes and new thoughts that are better equipped to learn more with. This is a blessing, not a curse. Those waves just keep coming at us, each one riding its predecessor to a greater level. Don't look away.

Sometimes this learning overwhelms me. It's not that I can't handle it. I can handle anything. I can also choose not to. You see, for me the thing is that I'm done with all of the self-deprivation that formerly defined me. It was all I ever knew. The greatest gift that I can give myself right now is to take a time out, enjoy the warmth of this cocoon and be ready to spring forward when I'm ready. This isn't a cop out, it's a time of growth and wonder while I process what surrounds me, and readying myself for what I will be riding next.

Even though I don't feel the brightness of sunlight right this minute, I am enlivened by the distant, muffled sound of a beautiful song that I had long forgotten. It makes me yawn, stretch my arms, and remember that morning is lurking. Sometimes we can appreciate the sound of a friend opening the creaky old window, letting the warmth of spring in as the light warms our cocoon.

thank you