Make a wish

One person's weed is another person's wildflower.

It seems that when I'm not feeling particularly strong or happy, whether it's worry or loneliness that is getting to me, I start wishing. Don't get me wrong, I'm always wishing for something but at these times it starts to consume me.

"What do you wish for?" is the voice's question that I hear over and over in my head. More frequently than not, I refuse an answer. Being afraid to want something is quite possibly one of my ugliest faults. It's not that I don't deserve my wants or recognize my wishes- I've just become a little too gun shy with tender wounds, to dare to want more. So, what is it that I wish for?

At this very minute I am wishing that I was well. Well enough to go out and play some pool or dance. Well enough to hit the trails in the morning. Well enough to sing and laugh out loud. But this will pass soon enough.

Yesterday in my restricted boredom I pulled my flute out of the closet. I had not touched my lips to its mouthpiece in close to two years. As I pivoted the cover open I saw that familiar tarnished silver lying naked in the crushed blue velvet, and breathed a heavy sigh. It took me back to memories of my first flute. The one that was so pathetically inadequate that I used to have to soak it in water in order to get the pads to swell up enough to encase a fingering. Playing that way was a challenge that I did my best to hide from my middle school peers and my teacher as I struggled to be good enough to keep up with the others.

Then there was the day when Mr. Piteo, my rock star band teacher put music in front of us that none of us had ever played before. I remember not much more than the feeling of magic inside of me. I just kept playing as he hushed everyone around me and pointed to the white girl with the tarnished old wind stick and told them all to listen. It wasn't until the very end that I started to get flushed and self conscious. Silence reigned for another measure of time once I'd finished before they all started hooting and hollering. I know that some of my notes were as broken as my pads, but it was the magic coming through me that they all heard.

Yesterday when I fussed with my flute and allowed myself to be pleased with what I HADN'T forgotten, I wished that I could play like I used to. What I did notice was that I was so much better, even after all of this time, at picking up music I had not rehearsed. And there was harmony and accompaniment which I had not previously been able to attain. I was grateful.

Tonight I sit here wishing that I was loved by another beautiful soul. There is an absolute sense of guilt in this wish as the truth is that I am loved. And I have been loved. It's just that right now I am not loved in the way that I wish to be, by whom I wish to be. This presence doesn't have a face, although there is the dream of one that haunts me. I know better than to push my luck there as what I want doesn't always mirror what anyone else wants, or ultimately, what is best for me. But, I am human, I have desires and I can't help but find certain people attractive. For all of my life I have given love the best way that I know how and I have felt let down again and again. I guess I'm just wishing for a soul with depth who sees what I see, to think that I'm sexy, and want me. But in the meantime I am very grateful for the glimpses of love that I have had.

I wish that a bolt of lightning would strike me and tell me what it is that I'm supposed to do with my life. Now that I'm almost grown up, having had to re-invent my whole new self, it's time to decide. What I always thought I'd be, well, I'm just not that anymore. I feel something calling me, but I can't tell which direction the voice is coming from. I sit in quiet mediation, waiting for the epiphany, but the only message that I ever get is to be patient. WTF?

So while I wait I find myself wishing for love- for myself and everyone around me. For a more compassionate world. For an end to hunger, disease, loneliness, and malice. I wish for a better me... and a beautiful you to find me.