The Agony and the Ectomy

The wind is whipping the blinds in my crotchety old cat’s face. At first he seemed annoyed with the inconvenience. In a fraction of a minute he was playing with his lively new toy. As that sensation faded he just sat there letting the fabric slats hit his face as the wind re-styled his fur.

There has been so much to endure these last few months; heartache, heartbreak, sickness, disappointment, injury, annihilation, fear and defeat- all rolled up into one big burrito of disbelief. And yet it all happened. Sometimes it was hard to hold on so I felt myself suspended in a vacuum where everything seemed to be flying past me as I hovered safely within my coma. I guess I was waiting out the storm that had stalled directly over head.

One of the best things about being gone is coming back. I’m a firm believer in letting my feelings kick my own ass. Eventually I become the worthy adversary which I need to be, to become their equal. It’s my understanding and equalization to such ills, that become my stepping stones out of there. When you are not afforded closure to a heart ache, you’re on your own to do the circle dance. This is always the hardest because confusion about why throws you off balance. But eventually you get it and then the dance is more fluid and eventually brings you beauty and joy.

Almost every person I know loves bubbles. Remember how wonderful it was to blow that wand and watch hundreds of bubbles bursting into the air? Watching them take flight, racing through the air as if their very life depended on that move. We chased them, we held them, we blew them and we wished on them. The bubbles still thrill me, as do the clinking chimes hanging in my door. It’s the uninhibited bursting of life, sound, thought and feeling that stirs me.

This morning when I was out on the trails I found myself so pleased with how quick and strong I’ve become. We sat by a rock and admired the wind tickling the grass, tracked a hawk’s wide, continuous circle, and devoured the birds’ songs. With every sensation came a burst of life, like a thousand little bubbles, flowing from me. Thoughts, feelings, wishes, words, colors- all bursting like a sudden strike of lightning with simultaneous thunder, shedding a million crystal raindrops. I laughed at myself as I tried to catch some of them because really- some of them were clever and poignant. But like bubbles that were born to fly, and raindrops that were shed to quench- they just went back into the universe where they belonged.

So here I am. This time it’s as if I’m standing on a mountaintop watching my storm roll in. This time I know what’s coming. The doctor said that although this will be difficult, when it’s over I will be free of pain, and a whole better me. I’ve done difficult and painful before- so I am not afraid. I’ve survived (in my opinion) far too many things to waste my mind with worry. I’ve lived a very good life, so I am not afraid of dying. And before too long I’ll be dancing on the edge of a bright, new dawn (blowing bubbles).