Giggling

Last night's patio respite was so refreshing as the cool breeze tickled me and the waning sun still warmed me.  Hearing the loud thunder of distant planes approaching, I turned and admired my three pines, the holy trinity.  Having labeled them Me, Myself and I Am, my awe erupts each time we meet.

The sound of the planes overtook the air as I watched the tips of the trees, with two F-something fighters emerging in the clear sky.  Sitting, wondering why there were not three of them (to rival the numeric quality of my blessed trio aka my OCD patterning requisites) a bird suddenly took off from the tree on the left, frantically flapping its wings, seeming to be racing the planes, or become part of them- it flew in the same line as they did.

Oh how I laughed.  The universe is very funny.

Dreaming

It is a pleasure to be in the company of someone who is realizing the birth of their dreams.   Within this past week alone I have had the honor of sharing the soul secrets of two beautiful friends who have been working hard and making it happen. 

I know that I have the strength, the drive, the smarts, the perseverance and even some capital to make things happen.  The only thing I'm missing is the dream. 

Today I'm going to pray for a dream.

Dead Man, Walking

Yesterday was a somber day filled with tear bursts and memories.  My inner wisdom  kept whispering to me, that death is a part of life.  This morning when I woke and realized that yesterday was not just a bad dream I remembered so many sweet things.  Interspersed with sadness, filtered in joy and happiness, leaving in its wake, gratitude for what was, and what made and makes the world better.  Love never dies and kindness is never wasted.

Having no ability to concentrate this morning I read little quips here and there and rested in the beauty of tried and true wisdom.  The older I get, the more clever clichés become.  I wish they weren’t so COMMON, but revered for their intensifying accuracy.  But so is life… always deepening in meaning and in heart.

Careful what you wish for… there’s another good cliché for you.  The morning of Memorial Day I decided to take a few minutes extra to practice my fire ceremony which allows me to expel negativity while inviting goodness in.  One of my greatest challenges of late has been surpassing tolerance, and attaining understanding.  Tolerance, to me, implies that you are just putting up with something.  If you truly see the light in all beings, then you will accept, embrace and love someone, without any consideration of flaws or shortcomings. This is where I would rather be, but...

Slow people bug me.  The lack of energy, enthusiasm and light, topped with the lack of consideration for the people whom they are affecting, all just bite my ass.  So in my meditation I asked that my shortness of patience for slow people be taken from me. If this could be replaced with a non-judgmental acceptance, I could truly love them without seeing their blocks.  I would understand the beauty in each one of their slow-roasted souls.

That afternoon when taking one giant step, I turned to grab the hand-rail and POP! I went down and couldn’t get up.  Some people came and helped me stand, but there was no way that leg was gonna’ work.  It’s been three weeks now and I’ve regained some use of my leg, and the surgeon will fix it, with a brand new ligament screwed through my bones.  A few months of physical therapy after that and I will be ready to take short walks again.  A few more months and I will most likely be back on the trails with my Pooch.

 In these weeks I have seen how tiring life can be, physically.  I have seen how cruel and inconsiderate the quick-paced of the species can be.  I have seen how difficult it can be to navigate through the simplest of tasks.  I have seen how impeded my own thinking has been due to pain, exhaustion, and frustration. And I have seen how slow and steady is what will finish this race.

The doctor told me that I will have to choose whether to use a graft of my own tendon or a cadaver ligament.  My initial reaction was complete disgust with the thought of a dead person’s parts inside of me.  The only thing that fueled continued consideration of this option is the fact that it is a lot less painful and a faster recovery.   

Yesterday afternoon before heading out I rested with my leg up, and turned on the television.  HBO was broadcasting a special about people who donate their bodies to science. The sweet man that I was honored to know, who had just lost his life, kept popping into my head as the film showed one dead body after another, but these thoughts of him made death feel a little bit softer.  I tuned in just in time to watch the segment on ligament harvesting and processing.  EWWWWW.  But then one of the med students spoke not of what he was learning, but of what a gift these people were giving, to help others.  Suddenly the horror of a dead body turned into a realization of kindness and love, and I was moved from beyond my narrow fixation in fear.  Now the thought of a cadaver ligament no longer meant anything other than love and light living on.

My new understanding helped me realize that someone who will never breathe, see, touch, taste or feel, cared enough, and will help me walk again.

So I guess I got more than I knew that I was asking for.  Life is good that way.  Of course, when I work on my patience and understanding of stupid people I think I’m just going to quietly practice, and hope for the best.

; )

Dancing Nancies

Sometimes I wish I was not human
with flesh and heart that tears
how wondrous it would be to
be the green from way out there

To know the truths of life
and love
to minister to them
from above

as setting sun and
beaming moon
as whispering pines
divulging their tunes

I wish I was any
one of these
or a spider in
the sweet green tree

whose mission is ne'er
but a requisite quest
but then how would
I be truly blessed

if I were anything but me?

Sally

Last night when I prayed I held my hands together tightly, close to my heart.  An old woman appeared and asked me what I wanted.  More than divulging my desires, I wanted to know who SHE was.  With a sympathetic giggle she told me that she was the one who knew what I wanted. 
Scanning her colorful, lively attire and glistening, long, white hair, that sense of familiarity rushed over me as I realized that I had met her before. 
The question then became, why do I keep forgetting her?

It's time

The wind is blowing...
the wind changes every thing
it moves and awakens
as it dances and sings

Fear

Not even life-threatening, this thing that aches me.  But it scares me more .  I asked each one of the people that love me to hold my hand, but they each could not.  So I guess I'm going it alone.  I don't know why I'm scared, but I am.
Maybe, sometimes, even the ocean runs dry.  Mountains tumble down.  I wish I had someone to hold me up and fill my cup.  But I don't. I pray that someday I will.
So I'll just find a way to get by.  I always do.

Sunset

There is 

nothing

right

‘bout this

dimly lit

night

When day
slips

away

holding dreams

at bay

weeping wisps of

colors

before they fade

as I do, 

to

sweet, peaceful

slumber

Where I can’t tell

at all

if I am flying

or I am

falling

Gliding through

the colors of

memory

no longer

seeing

the light

I fall
or I fly

It matters not

why

if I still

see

the

light

and the

colors

What did you expect?

I noticed today that loving someone who doesn’t want to love you is so much easier when you are no longer hoping that they will.  This freedom allows your love to be a pure and unadulterated manifestation of your heart’s beating and your soul’s greatest gift.  Do not ever doubt please, dear, that I love you, and that I always will.

Today it felt good 
to love you, once again.  
Since the love 
was not fettered 
by disappointment 
or by pain.  

I pray you feel 
the beating of 
my will, 

but only so that 
you feel 
the love 
within it still.

Be blessed, 
my love 
wherever 
you may go.  

And pray again 
I will, 

that love 
you’ll 
someday know.  

And I will be there with you, cuz...

Love is an energy

that is neither created 
or destroyed.

It simply transforms itself

as it ignites,

burns ferociously,

quiets...

glows as embers...

or scatters across the universe 

as dancing ashes.

It is.

It is love.

Symphonic

In the symphony of leaves
the evening sings to me
rattling songs that set me free
from the heat of day so long

In the symphony of leaves
sounds the whispers of the secrets
of the warmth of mother's blanket
woven in the deepest shade of green


In the symphony of leaves
the wind caresses each green plane
as it sings of love again
and then bows in sweet refrain

In the symphony of leaves
I feel the furthest branches
bent heavy toward the hillside
which it shades in gift, with gladness

In the symphony of leaves
so still and then so lively
with each breath exhaled by heaven
my soul's secrets are enlivened

Hearing your wonderous stories

Another beautiful night... driving up the canyon there weren't a lot of cars.  Waiting my turn at the four-way, I proceeded at the same time that Jon Anderson started singing,

"I awoke this morning
Love laid me down by a river.
Drifting I turned on upstream
Bound for my forgiver.
In the giving of my eyes to see your face.
Sound did silence me
Leaving no trace.
I beg to leave, to hear your wonderous stories.
Beg to hear your wonderous stories."

Well you know me... the thought of love laying me down ANYWHERE revved me up a bit.  As I always do, when the adrenaline surges (either from a dreamy whim or soul-shaking song), my foot hit the gas a little harder.  I tore the hill up pretty quickly only to find myself once again, behind the same damn motorcyle that held me back before.

Fortunately, those beautiful hills in the fading light called me.  All I could imagine was how wonderful it must be to feel the wind in your face as you openly ascend through that beauty.  Of course he couldn't hear the YES that I could, but what he heard, and what echoed through my heart was what my soul (and I'm guessing his) really needed to hear.

Thank you, Mr. Motorcycle Stranger.  Namaste.

If I had only known

If I had known how much it takes to give to someone who doesn't love you,
I hope I would have done things a little differently.
If I had known that love isn't always happy or perfect
I hope I would have loved you a little more.
If I had known that pain is the main ingredient in appreciation
I think I would have thought of you a little differently.
If I had known how important kindness and generosity were
and how seldom they are laid at your feet
I am pretty sure I would have wanted you more.
If I had known how loyalty is priceless
I would have spent everything to keep you

If I had known that wanting is liberation and not weakness,
I swear I would have wanted you more.
If I had known that watching you writhe would
inflict my own pain
I would have gauged my own eyes out
and spared you
I wish I had known that hurting you
hurt me more.
I wish I could have known what love was
when you were wanting to love me
I didn't know that love was a gift for my taking
I didn't know that you needed mine too
I didn't know that kindness always mattered
I didn't know that was all I'd ever need.

But now I know
and I want you to know,
that now that I can't,
I love you so.

Drum one and drum all

Wow... what a fun night.  The minute I heard that there would be a drum circle at the UC, I knew I had to go.  So many of my dreams and meditations have included that hauntingly exhilarating beat which awakens me.

Picture 5 concentric circles each enveloping its predecessor, facing the same center.  Each of us, a point in its construct, embracing various drums, beating in unison.  The pulses were like one heart, beating loudly.  On the one hand the vibrations filled the air, but my feet against the floor knew that Mother Earth was absorbing, and reciprocating, those vibes as well.

Our leader guided us during the finale, to concentrate our heartbeats outward, sending love to someone, or everyone, or the world. We were allowed to drum whatever we wanted, in any variation. What a high- to be part of all of that uninhibited energy and love.  What reverberated most poignantly in me was that in the midst of the seeming jungle of noisy madness... from my feet on the floor, to the pulsing in my heart, to the ears at the top of my being, was an undeniable center of unison- a most uninhibited heartbeat of ONE. 

Beautiful

Three Wishes

Three times yesterday I was honored with the opportunities to extinguish flaming sweets.  Every year the cakes get a little bit brighter.  This might be symbolic of the thought that we are more luminous as we grow... all I really know is that my aging eyes appreciate the extra light!

Make a wish!  What to wish for… the first candles found me wishing for a more peaceful world.  What the heck.  Just in case there’s a genie in that cake, I’d better make this a good one.

The second wish in the middle of the afternoon found me wishing that the people I love would all be content and fulfilled in their lives.  All of them.  Sometimes I can get a little greedy!

Even though I felt so blessed by so many people sending me their love and wishes, there were some glaring omissions which cut me to the quick.  I tried so many times to pull myself out of the pity pit, but the brighter side of my usual outlook was hidden in this darkness.  I continuously checked my phone and email, hoping for that prodigal flicker that would have made me feel what I longed to feel... on this day that I dared to wish.

My drive home was saturated with pain when I could no longer manage to dig myself out of my pity pit.  I didn’t think I’d make it to the front door without bursting into tears.  Even though I have been on my own for years, I still can’t avoid that sinking, burning pain of loneliness at the time that I should be celebrating.  Christmas, New Years, Valentine’s Day, my birthday… these are the times when I remember that I am alone.  These are the days that I’d rather skip, to avoid the grief of my reality.

Walking through the door without having yet melted, I tried to make a quick escape to my room, without anyone noticing.  There I could have a proper meltdown and be done with all of the disappointment of this day.  But my daughter stopped me.  She asked me to sit down and she put a candle-clad cake in front of me.  A really delicious cake!  Next to it she plopped a red bag.

The lit candles lent themselves to an awesome amber glow in the room, which flickered on the cake’s butterfly ornament, making the wings seem to flutter. The light from all of those candles warmed me as I chose to remember all of the love and the good that I have amassed over the years. As the song trailed off, my inner whisper nudged me to “make it count.”  So as the wax dripped slowly onto the melting scalloped edges of the cream topping, my heart mustered the courage to ask for what I really wanted.  Not something to just wish for, but something worth having. Once you blow out the candles the wishes are gone- all you have left is what you have chosen. Make it count.

Happy Birthday to Me!

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,

the Master calls a butterfly."

Seize the Cabernet

There is a bit of gratitude for my inability to remember some of the more traumatic events which have shaped my life.  Every now and then, though, those little flashes of remembrance sneak up and wreck you like an instant replay of an accident caught on film.  And you live it over and over again.


It has been both my pleasure and my curse in this life, to be a loving and generous person.  What a gift to learn that you have made a difference in the life of another.  Of course some of the things that I've given were probably not perceived as gifts, but emotional and spiritual maturity has shown me that it's all fine.  It's all for the good.  And for those things, I honor the pain that I inflicted with my remorse, my caring and my love.

I wish I could pinpoint the minute that my AHA! bell went off and I realized that loving too much is not loving at all.  This is a lesson that I had to learn not only once, but over and over, and it had to be in a degree that burned my soul and melted my heart.  And it finally did.  I couldn't tell you if it was one particular thing or the culmination of them all, but I learned that love must be freely received as it is given, to be good love.

Today is the birthday of a friend whom I love. At no time in our relationship was there ever a definition of what we were.  We were.  Plain and simple.  That did not stop me from wishing for something more though.  Maybe... with space and time... maybe.  But today is his birthday.  I bought him a sweet bottle of wine that I was going to give him when he fit me in to his busy life.  Laying in bed this morning I made  all kinds of reasons to be understanding for what he is going through.  After all, when it's good, it's so very good.  AND  I can give him the wine the next time I see him...you know... when he feels like it.

It was a sweet day in a lot of ways, some surprising, and some predictable.  Sitting here on my gorgeous patio, sipping some truly delicious wine; the pine trees' typical whispers are bellowing a beautiful song to me in a volume that drowns my trivial thoughts and beliefs.

This blessed sip of life is to drink.

There is but one truth that I have yet to live and it is scribed most accurately by my hero, Henry David Thoreau, "As if you could kill time without injuring eternity."  


So as I sip this delicious bottle of birthday wine I do so knowing that it is truly time to live- for me.  Carpe Diem.

Once you make a choice to do the "right" thing, do not hold it against your brother if he does not choose the same. Remember that your own choices evolve, as do his. Your reward in doing is simply that you have done. Acceptance, approval and applause are irrelevant within authentic action. Honor the light that helped you see, and in its glow, bow to the light in your brother.

Snail trail

Oh but I am blessed.  Sitting on the patio watching the warm sun sink through the hazy sky I heard the promise of spring.  Dreams of blossoms of hope and happiness and love welled up inside of me. Setting up here in the new Chez Vigneau has been slow going.  Tonight I chose to abandon all thoughts of responsibility, and traded in for a glass of red on my beautiful new patio where I watched bunnies ducking under bushes, snails meandering about and crows coming in for landings in the massive pine trees that skirt the property.

The cushions of the wicker furniture are thread bare and tearing in some spots.  I turned them and everything seemed fresh and new.  Touching one chair I accidentally knocked loose a snail, who made an emphatic click as it hit the brick beneath my feet.  I turned him right side up and resumed my mission of relaxation.  Too beautiful.  This thought was a welcome relief as it overtook the maddening frustration that had defined my week at work, and my recent thoughts for myself.  How can I be almost 48 years old, and still not know what my life's purpose is?  How can I have spent what I have in love and tears, and have nothing to show for it?  How can it be that I have loved so hard, and yet have no one who wants to love me?

My throat swelled as I remembered my loneliness, and tears started to well in my eyes.

The sinking sun caught one of my tears and glistened, turning my attention toward the sun.  I noticed beneath the sun's line, a haphazard trail left by a snail.  It circled back upon itself half a dozen times and didn't appear to be going anywhere in particular.  Silly snail, I thought.  Silly snail... what have you done with your day?

As the sun continued to lower it burned with that ferocity that every dying light emanates, as if to call out in the hopes of being heard... "I was here."  Before long it hit the snail trail which glistened like a million lights.  As if each seemingly meaningless step was but a glint in this world's great light.

Om nama shivaya.

the super moon

Last night I asked the angels

to show my love to me

to bring me to his splendor

awakened in my dream

Perched on the edge of a thick white cloud

I spread my wings and calling out

you heard my song and then you came

and we danced across the sky

Morning's glory gently woke me

from my soft, green grassy nest

but she dared not take from me,

you, my greatest awakening

Walking the path the whispered

pleas wafted to me from the trees

The words, unclear, I could not hear

yet I knew they spoke of you, my dear

So I ran through the streets

of this big, scary city

searching for you

in every nook and cranny

Scanning the faces of

each one in the masses

Holding my breath til

each soul by me, passed

And I wait tired in the light

on the corner in the night

Oh angels, hear my prayer

One more time- please take me there

Morning stretch

standing somewhere different

than the place you stood before

everything is different

from the ceiling to the floor

eyes wide open, seeing things

that weren't there before

miles or inches closer

to opening the door

breathing through the fire and rain

born anew with a burst of pain

knowing that although you wane the

emptiness yields joy again

trading thoughts you had

for sensations all anew

knowing that the loving matters
most in what you do

reaching out beyond the dream of

what you thought was real

spinning on this ball of life

head now under heel

then ready to die, to live this life

so raw, alive, on the ledge you are

dancing, hurling, freeing your soul

to finally stretch the edge

cold

Alone in the night
the storm sets
in
The dark can't see
what is haunting
me
Abandoned old heart
beats steadily
bold
in spite of the freeze
in spite of this
cold
Icicle daggers
tear me a new
pain
but hey, it's only love-
It'll come 'round
again

**********

Let not my heart be weighted

Nor my love be blind or shaded

If my light be sadly faded

When love comes once again fated,

Knocking at my door

May two fiery souls’ union

Come to me none too soon then

With a blessed and warm reunion

Of souls' unabashed communion,

                                                                Oh love, come call on me