a vow of silence

We ran naked and unafraid
before we ever knew not to
We drank waters from the still lake
where we could clearly see a beautiful face
Inhaling ether from the heaven
we danced wildly and unashamed
We reached for love among many
and we we never thought to be afraid
How did we forsake the life within us?
What madman gave sin its wretched name?
How do we get back to living raw, this life
-to kiss and touch god's beautiful face?

Do you ever touch the earth or breathe the light?

I cannot hear your words no more

ear's pressed against the earthen floor

Your thoughts no longer wear my face

my depth has won that measly race

my skin now pricked, releases the throng
of the toxic rights and righteous wrongs
snorting the light and huffing on love
of these my heart now, can't get enough

the bloom!

sliver of a chance

What is it about

color and subtle contrast

that ripen possibility

to see the hope

not the hurt

that takes you to the light

in spite of the dark

that is only moments away

In a sliver of a chance

we are once again 

alive

the last cookie or a sweet lullabye...

Judgement Day

The thing about opinions is that they set limits. Once you have defined what someone is, what their intentions are or how they should be; you steal from them their most basic freedom. Very few people act with the intention of doing wrong. We all choose to do the things that we view as necessary or right. Some of simply define "right" a bit differently than our brother.

Lighten up, friend... you know... if that's what you want. :)

A new day

The new moon is a perfect opportunity to ask for a new dream. In the moments before sleep a few nights ago, the darkness found me asking for just this- a direction to start, to honor this gift of life which I've been squandering. Last night while waiting in my car for someone, I looked up and the deep autumnal hues of purples and burgundy that colored the transition between day and night, were sliced with a long, low sliver of silvered moon.

Now that the darkness is gone, my request before sleep last night was a peaceful, dreamy slumber. Nine hours later I awoke with an abundance of energy and excitement for a day that I know will be wonderful. Just 2 days shy of five months since my accident, the only thing I could think to do was to visit my beloved hills. I knew I wouldn't be able to climb them, but I could certainly circle the magnificence while clinging to the access road.

My car pulled into its familiar spot as if it knew the way. Turning around and looking at my welcoming tree, and then glancing up my favorite hill, my eyes progressed toward the sky which was a bluish purple with bright, white clouds. It was more of a psychedelic dream than an atmosphere. This beauty lit something up inside of me that caused me to abandon my safety strategy, and I rationed that I could go in just a little bit and stick to an easy path. I wasn't sure how I was going to navigate the storm-ravaged river bed with its steep drops, but I didn't care. I figured I'd try and if all else failed, I could always turn back.

I think there were angels singing when I got there, as I saw that someone had flattened out the access, turning them to hills instead of drops. God, I just knew I could do it if I was careful. And I did. As I turned the corner on the path and saw my familiar rocks and lush, gnarled trees- once again, I felt I'd been kissed by g~d.

Not that I had never really appreciated it before, but when we lose something that we love- we learn to love it more. Wanting gives us a clear vision of what it is that we seek- things which we are shielded from in bounty. Strolling slowly across the earth, ignoring my pain, my stomach was jumping and rolling as I succumbed to the flood of relief, for finding this love again.  There was a sadness in me when I realized that I never before knew this wealth.

The tears' tracks on my face scribed my new prayer to life, that I never love or appreciate, any less, this love I now know. May it always cut quickly to my soul, and not be fettered by disappointment or pain. To this day I still believe I brought this injury on myself when I asked to be more understanding of slow people. It never occurred to me that it was my slow heart that needed the fixing.

Fifteen minutes was about all I could take as the swelling of my knee started to overtake the other swells. So I wrapped it up and packed Pooey in the car, then leaned against it, staring at the tree, the hill, the path- they were never more beautiful. After a few minutes Pooey barked as my frozen gaze gave way to the realization of how cold I was. Suddenly the yearning to be home, wrapped in a blanket, sipping hot coffee became my newest passion. CRAP- I forgot to buy coffee on the way home yesterday. I fretted about this for less than a minute before I realized that it's just going to taste even better, tomorrow.

Light hearted

   Dream drops falling
between rays of splintered light
where there is no room for fear-
only love and warmth and kindness
   Darkness steps aside
as there is no room for madness
midst the vibrations of the
angels' wings, their ethereal touch that dances
   Time cannot be counted
when the rhythmic coursing beats
in to the the dance of timeless age
frenzied by the dreams we choose to heed
   Lost in time and lost in this space
holding firm in this enticing place
heart beating quickly as if in a race
to save my soul, my life, my face

from losing once again while
dream drops are falling all around me
gently tapping out their quiet song
in the secret key of dreams that move me


Sometimes these things come in senseless pieces- a lot like life, huh? Then one day, it flips a switch and suddenly looks beautiful in its new light.

The new moon

She told me to ask for a new dream....

Prancing down a darkened trail

lights have all gone out

The sun has settled in to rest as

creeping critters greet the night

Whispers from the hidden eyes

which never see the light

follow me to another world

where they can be so bright

 *I cannot see the moon tonight

It hides its face from me

But in its place I see the stars

The ones you picked for me

Inside the dark and frigid night

I watch with wonderment

As stars propelled by magic's spell

Race quickly across the heavens

 *I cannot see the moon tonight

It hides its light from me

But in its place within the dark

Shines splendor in a new me

The night guard watches, waiting

As the new moon hides its face

The owl cuts loose and rises

Giving dark's stars quite the chase

The cold but silent chill I feel

Brings shivers from within

But oh the stars that light the sky

Make quite the raucous din

*I cannot feel the moon tonight

It hides its pull from me

But in its place the bright stars whisper

Their quiet secrets to me

Animal Instinct

Last night a friend's very sweet kitty came to visit when I was resting, sprawled out on the floor. Sweet purrs and unquestioned love were her offerings. She moved in close, laying flush up against me, getting what she wanted and needed. Today when I was thinking about her and her keeper I wondered why I even question my own needs and wants. How is it that we, as the intelligent species, put so many restrictions on our own natural yearnings and their acquisitions? Why is it so hard for me to just move in close and get my purr on and warm in its glow?

This old dog is hungry for some new tricks...

Carnivorous

Prowling the hills
solitary we hunt
for sustenance,
we scour the earth

Finding the kill
that pertinent fill
but rooting for pain
we’re just hungry again

Rip it to shreds
mouth dripping with blood
Coming up for air
we have nothing to fear

Can you survive the stream
Of the blood that flows
Can you rip it to shreds
Will you break bread with me

Will you wear the warm pelt
As we worship the sun
And peacefully slumber
Once the feasting is done

Can the warmth of our flesh
thaw the raw of our souls
Can the depth of our truths
quench us, hungry carnivores

As they lay in the dirt
our hearts beating aloud
They poke and they laugh,
The finger pointing crowd

Can you swim up the stream
Of the blood that flows
Can you rip it to shreds
Won't you break bread with me

the gold standard

Does gold ask of flame,
"Why, fire, do you burn me?"
No, it simply beams
in its lustrous alchemy
a new state
of beauty and elegance
as it shines also,
without question

The right to strife

Guilty! I, like countless other parents, have the awful habit of trying to make things easier for my children. Forsaking necessities for myself, in exchange for the purchase of cool clothes or dance tickets, by gosh... I want my kids to be happy.

There's a little Honda sitting in front of my house that doesn't seem to want to move. Should I fix it? Get it up and running so one son can take it back to school with him? A little wave of nausea overtook me as I pictured him trying to find his way to the BART, getting on the wrong line, getting off at the wrong stop, and never able to find his way home again.

When I lived in Binghamton, working til all hours of the night trying to pay down my medical bills which I amassed due to some misfortune and a lack of insurance- I found my way home every night, on a borrowed bicycle, in the dark. Tired and sometimes lonely and scared, I did it. When I think back now, about how difficult that might have seemed to anyone, I giggle a little. What I really harvested in those days was not the trial of the financial or physical difficulties, but the independence and confidence that became the weathered but durable soles of this journey.

My list of stupid mistakes, greedy horrors and broken hearts are the hill of debris on which I now stand, able to see things more easily and clearly. I have no right to deprive my children of the same. They will move forward, earning their own rights to wisdom and conviction. You can't buy wisdom and love for anyone- but you can certainly love them and hold them as they find their own rights to an authentic life.

October something, some year in the past and the future, for this present

Stepping out of that skin

They squeezed you in

Breaking free from the box

You’ve been rotting in

Take a deep breath

Once you have escaped

This thing you now own

On your own, THIS is faith

Thank you for all things beautiful!

Hoping

What we're looking for always seems to find us when we are not really looking.  We have all heard this and I know that I have wanted to believe it, but lately I haven't been believing in much of anything other than just letting things be.  It's been about a year since I have felt the kind of joy I have since abandoned. Maybe it's the time of year that stirred up my emotions and desire again. So I had been keeping a watchful eye out, hoping to find that thrill again.  Around every corner and as I opened each door, I held my breath hoping to find it. But more times than not I have reminded myself that the yearning and burning desire for a magnificent dream needs to take a back seat to the simplicity of being grateful for all of the little things... the things that make every day wonderful.

My overpowering craving for grapes guided my car into the Stater Bros parking lot this morning.  My hunger being a bit more voracious this morning than usual, I also grabbed some of my favorite yogurt before heading down the power aisle toward the far end of the store, not sure what it was that I was looking for. You know how your eyes just catch a glance from a stranger and your insides get all crazy and dizzy and you see what you have always known, all of your life and with all of your soul? My heart started beating faster, making me a little bit dizzier and I wasn't sure anymore if I was really seeing what I thought I was.

Taking a few slow, but steady steps as I shook with excitement, I got a little closer as I became more sure of what I was seeing. This, the hope I thought I had lost, was staring me right back in the face, making my tummy flip. No words were needed as I reached out to touch, to be sure- and I grasped the beautiful neck of the firm body and I swooned.  Pumpkin Spice coffee creamer! And to think that I never thought I'd see it again. This little reminder to never give up hope came at a time most surely needed. Life's little gifts...

Taking a chance

Funny how just one moment, one little giggle or a smile
changes what you thought a day might be
Stranger still the way a sadness steals your light
and leaves you someone a little bit different
Watching the sun set into a bank of clouds on the horizon
or looking down to watch the waves tickle your toes
We choose the moments that make the differences
We see what we want to see, feel what we care to know
Somehow I'm not certain that everything matters so much
as what we get from those moments
It's in the choice, not the chance
Chance is just a lucky streak or a big friggin sinkhole
Why does everything have to matter?

Yes

Maybe

I should have...

I would have

If I could have

This time

If I don't

Just do it

I'll die

shadowing truth

Against the setting sun my shadow walks beside me
Darkness is that blurry sight which cannot be denied

Walk alone, I cannot, as my shadow is my companion
We hold it all, we hold it close- for it and I are two but one

Today I told my shadow of the glory of the wanting,
the joy of all the sorrow and the bliss for all the trying

Her darkness did not wane nor did it call surrender
her weightless darkness stretched itself and grew a little thinner

the lyrical miracle

Dreaming death within

My restless infant sleep

Wearing scars beneath

My skin, so cracked, so deep

I learned to cry 

before I ever knew how

For with me came the 

rocking of the salty waters' bounty

The home I knew decorated

With a paddle on the wall

But in the house of friends,

Love and laughter filled the halls

Fear and quiet rage

The only noises in my head

I could not hear the quiet calls

Of joy for I was deafened

I’ve got one more song to write and

Another 10 to sell

I was wondering if you

Could help me sell one to myself?

If we listen to the rhythm

Then we may not hear the words

Can you turn it up, turn it up

For I am sounding quite absurd

The song that I was born to sing
and the dance I never learned to swing
Shame's filter sheltered me from these-
the dreams I never dared to dream

The love you gave to me, so sweet

Changed everything I thought was real

When you whispered secrets I never knew

My heart opened, wanting to be well

But staying here was not your thing

They made you go away

You never told me how to swallow this

You were gone and life was never the same

And we had one more song to write and

Another 6 to sell

Can you show me how to clear the shelves

And find another tale to tell?

The cords are always changing

My fingers just can’t keep it up

Maybe if you listen you can

Tell me what is not enough

With one more song to write

And another two to sell

Can we listen with our hearts

Cause my eyes have now gone deaf

It’s that fear within my head

That drowns the sweetest sights

Can you tell me that you’re buying so

I can sell it to myself?

In the holding of the leaking pen
on crumpled paper flow the lyrics
I was wondering if you could
sing to me the jingle of your miracle

When love and light became your harmony
And you walked unscathed, through fiery heat
Oh, play for me the chord that cracked the seed
For your heat alone, so beautiful, will surely set me free

I have
Just one
more song

To write…

I'm having a mid-life cry, sis

Those awakening moments
when I'm suddenly caught
between there and here

The knife that cuts and
slices, sharpened by my new
depth of awareness

Why did I hang on so long
why did I let go too soon?
Why did I do those things to you?
 

All those times I could have chosen
more love instead of holding it
so far away from you,,, from myself

So many years are gone and
I can't help but cry for the things
that I should have done in my life

Instead of always just surviving
forsaking life and living in
favor of dying

And cry, yes I will, for what I lost
but take a deep breath amidst the sobs
as I brace for what is left

Give thanks that the
letting of this diseased blood
does not bleed me dry

But tears, they will drain
this wealth for a time, with no end
so hold me close, hold me tight,
be with me sweet friend

Words Of Wisdom

"When we realize that this moment, this situation, this day, in this life, is just a rehearsal for the next thing coming our way- we can relax, do our best and enjoy what is." -me

Why is it that people give credence to things in quotes, more than the sweet words whispered in their own silences?  There is that beautiful center point within a quiet moment when wonder is revealed. There are no quotes around these silent epiphanies. Or are there?

Crayons

So today I wasn't so good at finding pieces of joy... the hurt welled up... the fear overpowered me... and the defeat just drained me. It didn't help that I drove down a street that reminded me of someone I can't resist remembering. I couldn't help but think and wonder...

My fight wages on and this warrior just keeps going. Not always with a smile, but always with at least a little bit of hope. Closing the garage door behind me I realized how hungry I was. Threw the boots into the closet and headed back to the kitchen. I started a pot of water to make some good old mac n cheese. While the water warmed I poured a glass of wine. Drinking alone never bothers me but tonight I couldn't bear the loneliness so I headed out to my patio and WHOA! Clouds so thick with distinctions that lined the sky about them, hanging so low, and framing insets of the rosiest, luminous hues. I wish my camera had done it some justice. Looks like someone got a new box of crayons today!  But isn't that just what every day is? A new box of crayons.

Thank you!

What is reality?

Seems to me it might be as fleeting as the moment it owned. We believe what we want to, for as long as it serves us. But when we're done, is it gone? If you blow out a candle, where did the light go? It doesn't really matter, does it, because it's gone.

We can resurrect it any time we choose, by remembering.

Last night I asked the angels

to show my love to me

to bring me to his splendor

awakened in my dream
 

Perched on the edge of a thick white cloud

I spread my wings and calling out

you heard my song and then you came

and we danced across the night
 

When morning's glory gently woke me

from my soft, green grassy nest

she dared not take from me,

You, my greatest awakening
 

Walking the path the whispered

pleas wafted to me from the trees

The words, unclear, I could not hear

yet I knew they spoke of you, my dear
 

So I ran through the streets

of this big, scary city

searching for you

in every nook and cranny
 

Scanning the faces of

each one in the masses

Holding my breath til

each soul by me, passed
 

And I wait tired in the light

on the corner in the night

Oh angels, hear my prayer

One more time- please take me there