Burnt

.
Dark, bone-chilling morning
not yet turned to light
I reach for a match
which when struck, will ignite

A small stream of smoke
follows jumbling sparks
sweet yellow-orange flame
starts to break through the dark

Midst the hissing and jumping
of the heat that runs through me
I crave your deep, grooved beauty
which you surrender so freely

and oh, you keep me warm

In reverence I bow at the
base of your fire,
cup my hands round your warmth,
stoking sweet, deep desire

Not one question arises
in this safe, cozy room
for engulfed are we in this
swift, rising plume

oh wood you burn for me
.

Glowball warming...

Before it was a river
Laid a dry and barren plain
Beneath the mountains’ towering
Slides to flash the falling rain

Before there was a mountain
Breathed land above the silent plates
Soon to erupt within the molten core
Unaware of its magnificent fate

Before it was a spinning earth
A mass of unfathomable light
Forced to be this world we see
Our pleasure, now our right

Before it was my light, my love
My name was always this
Conceived by the rain and cosmic pain
Life bore me, its daughter, BLISS

today, I

lazed under the covers too long-

but not long enough

ate pumpkin bread with

chocolate chips for breakfast

took a looooong walk in the rain

took a looooooooooong hot shower

then sat in front of the fire for hours,

reading and listening to music

ate a persimmon for the first time

watched the juice from a pomegranate drip

down my finger nesting

safely in my daisy ring's crevices,

sliced half of a cucumber into 32 chunks

listened to 53 songs, some several times,

each time better than the last

watched raindrops splash and ripple on a tabletop

asked the universe a very big question

and sat quietly waiting for an answer

and again the answer was wait

I looked at some pictures and remembered

then I dreamed of something new

I thought about how time stands still

and sometimes it whizzes by

and I thought about your beautiful face

and how good it will feel to touch you

Today slipped through my fingers

like sand through the glass of time

I love to watch the grains cascade down

the pointed pile of ground rocks

always changing, always shifting,

always falling away

A waking heart

It was a deep and blissful sleep.  Rolling around under the covers, purposely rubbing my feet, hands, legs, arms and face against the softness of the sheets- I was overcome with happiness.

Last night my son coaxed me out of bed as I was drifting away, to play ping pong with him.  We played and laughed for almost an hour.  It's funny how such a simple thing can bring so much enjoyment.  Looking at him across the table from me, I see a tall and handsome man who has kidnapped my sweet little joy bundle.  But oh, when he laughs, the joy that emanates from that beautiful face is as alive and pure as it ever was.

While we were cleaning out the garage yesterday I decided to donate a couple of very nice bicycles to the fire department.  They are having a drive to collect some for needy children's Christmas gifts.  When Jake heard that he offered up his pristine $400 Haro bike because although he could sell it for a nice chunk of change, he preferred the thought of a child with very little, enjoying it.

Going through boxes and deciding to throw away things that I just didn't need anymore made me sad.  There were so many reminders of what I no longer had, which made me think about what I wished I did have.  I went to bed feeling a bit somber and couldn't find the strength to be happy.  Sometimes, I reminded myself, you need to acknowledge the dark.

On Jake's prompting, I climbed out of bed in my pretty pink nightgown, put on my slick new sneakers and a purple sweater and headed downstairs where that beautiful boy was waiting for me.  The garage was noticeably emptier- gone were reminders of what no longer was, leaving the space more open. In no time at all we filled it will laughter, love and joy.

Thank you!

Nyquil

 I hate the nights where I can't wait to sleep
to dream of things for my heart to keep
to waste away the hours of sadness,
trading for a life of madness
a fury, a passion, a ball of fire
a dream that's worth this deep desire
the one that I know was promised to me
the one for which I wait to be...

Sweet dreams come too slowly tonight

the hole in the fence

I watch the flashing lights sparkling through the trees
but as they draw near to me, I also hear their scream

There are nights when I bury my face in my pillow
to drown the harsh memories of the day's dreary dread

People get angry and they push, shove and scream
Some are so greedy, that they'd steal another's dream

Children are hungry as we throw away food
Sunday's lady dons a red hat and calls herself good

And you, my friend- tell me what do you need?
Say what? You need my help planting a seed?

I lower my head in humble reverence
then find myself peeking through the hole in your fence

All at once the day dims as the stars come to shine
for you who did not claim this yours, his or mine

You said the tree, you see, is for you and for me
and its beauty the gift for the all, for the we

a new drug

I cannot hear your words no more
ear's pressed against the earthen floor
your thoughts no longer wear my face
my heart has won that measly race
my skin now pricked, releases the throng
of the toxic rights and righteous wrongs
snorting the light and huffing on love
of these my heart now, can't get enough

Kinda' funny that after all of these years- all of these broken hearts, disappointments and addictions- the only thing that really matters is that which is in me.  Om nama shivaya.

Amidst the dry chapparal

The hummingbird chaperones
playfully dancing on air
or the rabbits skittering by me
with no freedom from their fear
I am lucky, I am here

And even in the dark and lonely hours
where the warmth of tears tickle my face
rolling slowly down, dropping playfully
dripping, tickling my ankles below
I am awake, I am aware

Climbing the winding and steep, rocky trail
this path I ascend with a slow, playful
gait, never knowing what lies beyond the turn
only feeling what I now feel
I am beauty, I am strength

One lone, little flower, did heaven misplace?
amidst the dry and arid rocks such beauty
calls me skyward with a magic carpet cloud
its billowing underbelly and thick white curled lip
I am flying, I am free

One step, one path
one thought, one fear
one blind vision that makes me see
one turn, one peak ascended
I am climbing slowly, I am, me

A vote of confidence

Alright, so it was one of those days.  One of THOSE days.  Nothing was going to be easy and clearly, none of it was going to feel all that good either.  For an ecstasy junkie (and I ain't talking chemicals here), this was the worst kind of withdrawal.  I worked hard on this project.  Thought I had it down cold.  Assumed I could pull off the finish with both hands tied behind my back.  Guess I didn't expect the whole rest of me to be knotted too.  Several times as I watched my data download, in horrific disbelief, I KNEW that it would eventually be okay.

I knew.

So why did I give in to the drama of defeat?  Would it have somehow alleviated the pain of failure, had it come to that?  How is it not the most important, that I did my best and kept trying in spite of the failure?  How did I lose the best part of me- the one that knows that nothing can harm me and that there is no failure- only opportunities for improvement?

A little self adjustment, re-adjustment of reality and I was back to where I needed to be.  It only took a couple of minutes before I remembered that the failure and frustration were not the goal or the focus- the finding my way out of it was. 

Om nama shivaya.