I was tickled listening to a beautiful soul, yesterday, as she spoke about how we need to embrace the voids in our lives. These are those spaces between the endings and the beginnings, the places where we grieve, grasp and then grow. I have certainly survived my share of heartaches, lingering in the mad anger zone, crying, screaming, stomping my feet, or laying listlessly on the floor. These are all reactions to the "negative" experiences that life deals us. It's the heeding of the quiet whispers or universal chantings that make being there a beautiful thing. So what if you get knocked down-it's not the end of the world. Take advantage of this new position to take a nap, dream, refresh yourself and while you're down there- see something from a different viewpoint. When you're ready, just get up. Doesn't matter if you crawl to your knees and stay there a while. At different times we're capable of different things. At different places we'll see and hear different things. There is no prescription to living a perfect life. There is only the ability to do the best that we can with what we have. And I have learned that no matter what comes, I should stop, look and listen.
The inevitable times when life seems to be unfair or even cruel- these are sometimes unbearable challenges. When life seems to be going smoothly, we rarely, if ever, dare to think about the bad times. The truth is that life is a mixture of good and bad, dark and light, hard and easy. Seems that you can't have one without the other. Being "stuck" in between the two affords us an opportunity to realize what we could not, while we were drowning in the thick of either.
There was a time when I thought that I had learned and was ready to move on, but in order to truly be ready, I have had to learn to wait. For me, waiting was always the hardest part. I wanted answers and reasons for everything. In my mind there had to be resolution to every feeling or disappointment. But wait- there doesn't have to be. I spent so many years, so many different times, blindly reaching for that shadow on the top shelf, thinking that I would soothe me. I knew something was up there, and I wanted it. Blindly reaching for anything might leave you with a grasp filled with a toxic antidote. You need time, when walking into a dark room, for your sight to adjust. Sometimes you need a little light to make your way and again, you can't just pluck any candle- lighting your own is the only safe bet.
My life has been in a limbo for years now. Getting past the anger and fear that defined the end of my marriage actually alluded to the beginning of a new and peaceful life. But had I lingered in that mire I never would have known this. Had I jumped into something new and immediate, I never would have had the chance to grow as I have. Yet, this game that is played under the radar is what is making me an authentic beacon to my own spirit- the one that sees my own beauty and thus, all the beauty that surrounds me in both the dark and the light.
Now I know that the only thing worth reaching for, is myself. Honoring the good, the divine, the mixture of both the light and dark- these are the things worth having. And yes, I wait. But I don't sit here idly- I watch, I listen, and I dance (I DO know why the caged bird sings :) ). When the trees start to rustle or the wind strikes a bustle- I stop and let them fill me. As I dance through this void, my heart is always ready to hear whatever it is that's coming next, and maybe I have been fortunate to have suffered enough to get where I am, but this quiet is a glorious place to be.
Here's a little repeat of something I wrote a while ago which brings new meaning today, as most anything does- riding the wave whether it's coming or going, rushing or rolling... it just does.
Can I be still and still be me?
I would rather be g~d's breath
crawling across the earth
or the place of fruitful death
resigned to new day's birth
where fences are mended
and tatters un-torn
where wounds come unwrapped
as wisdom is born
where fear is unwelcome
and love is life's toy
where the feast is not crumbs
but a platter of joy
Be still and know that I am...
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