Lazarus

An incredible feeling bubbles up, swells, and then lifts my wings. My heart, soul, mind and fingers gladly follow…

Sometimes I just sit here in front of the keyboard because I know I have something to say, but usually I don’t have a clue what it is… until I start typing (or writing). So I do the deed and then sit and wait for the ecstasy to ensue. It’s an awakening of the etheric sense, of which I think I am no more than a conduit, or perhaps a prism that bends its light. Maybe I’m just a mirror that reflects…

Climbing the stairs with my notebook and pen tucked under my arm and my deliciously aromatic oil already taunting me, I saw it- that beautiful pool and I had it all to myself! No one had been there for days so I quickly scanned the surface and perimeter for dead things. There by the step wall was an enormous dragonfly, just floating. At first I thought he was just resting, but no, he was dead. The flashback was so abrupt that I think I have emotional whiplash!

Three years ago, on a hot summer’s afternoon I climbed my own steps in search of solace and of course, an opportunity to meditate. But there, in the corner of the pool was the smallest lizard I’d ever seen. This creature would have been classified cute by the harshest and coldest of standards with his little stub of a tail, rounded belly and bulbous little head. My heart sank just looking at him. I picked him up with my cupped hands and laid him gently on the warm concrete. His limp and skinny neck offered no resistance as his tiny little head meshed with the ground.

He was dead.

Watching hopefully, I waited to see if he would move, but the only thing that changed was that the puddle which had surrounded him, was now evaporating. The thought of leaving his sweet little body lying there made me cry. Was his mother cognizant of his absence? What about all of the walls he’d never climb? The bugs he’d never taste? The roadrunners he’d never escape?

As I have never been particularly fond of lizards I surprised myself when I reached down and touched him. How silly of me to think that my human touch would bring comfort to a lizard. He opened his eyes- or was I seeing things? I was too excited to take my gaze from him, but I worried that he might panic at my presence. He didn’t seem scared. He simply closed his eyes again. My heart sunk- again.

I cried because this sweet little life was cut too short. The sadder I grew, the more resistant I became to the reality of this situation. I drew in a long, dramatic breath as if I were going to perform CPR on this lost life. As my breath turned to exhalation, an unexpected and determined breeze whipped up the hill shaking the cattails, dancing with the palm trees in a state of wild abandon, and making my new little friend rise to his legs. While my jaw was dropping I watched his belly distend and contract, with deliberated drama. Before I could close my mouth, Lazarus was scampering into the ice plant.

People blindly state that everything happens for a reason. This is yet another concept that I stand back, consider, and then politely nod, in answer to. If everything is pre-determined by an all-knowing God, then how free is our will? Are we just playing pieces in some war game where he tortures us, to teach us lessons?

There is a need to worship God which is sewn through my fabric, and I am not alone. Every time I’ve tried to name this god, I find myself farther away from the truth of who he/she/it is. If we are to believe that someone is pulling these strings through for us, then that just makes God a rather accomplished puppet master. The greatest gift that we can offer or be offered is the gift of ourselves; our admiration, respect, consideration, compassion and vulnerability. These are the raw elements of subservience to beauty, splendor and love- whose crosses I gladly bear and surrender myself to, every chance that I get.

The reason that little Lazarus wound up in the pool was probably because one of my dogs chased him in there. It certainly could not have been God’s choice to drown a baby, any more than God would ever choose to wipe out an entire culture with a tsunami, earthquake or volcano. Maybe it is simply our prerogative to reason through to solution or understanding, and thereby learn and grow.

As my little lizard resurrected herself upon my insistence, I knew that I am god. I am a very small part of the beautiful and incredible force that is life.