Mayday...

In the last light
in the last of this May
Daydreams I might
speak of, in vain
no more

In wishes of many
in dawns a plenty
in strikes that keep
smiting me
no more

May's light is fading
no more will it be
the hope of this age
the fruit of this dream
again

When the us settles

It blunts the sharpness
Unravels the knots
Dims the glare
Mixes the dusts

Life, lived in grace...not taken personally...left to the wise heart that loves to love. But only when love is unto itself, the force of love and light that is not lost in the dust of selfishness. Light that sees beyond itself, into the us, into the absence of wrongs. 


I feel like I'm walking on air tonight. Grateful that I no longer "have" what I never had in the first place. That perceptive reality thing is quite potent. Clearly the attachment to any reality is what harms us. Why can't I just be? Because I'm human. I'm a mother, and I know how to hurt and worry. At least I'm learning to be the love I wish to see in my world. That's enough for me, for now.

Straight Up

Last year, right about this time I asked g~d's help in finding understanding for slow people. This was a request to help me move beyond the limitations of my judgmental self- to be softer, more tolerant and accepting, and at ease with things I didn't understand. Within a week I wrecked my knee and have spent the last year unable to walk, and then in a rehabilitative state. I learned a lot.

Last week, on my birthday I thought a lot about what I wanted to be better at for the coming year. Since I have realized that Love is not about another person, but living in a state of loving grace- I asked g~d to help me to be in such a perpetual state. Within days my son became so ill in a capacity that scares me. I find myself slipping into anger and grief, but each time I check myself- I find myself asking what I will learn from this. What will my son learn? What good can come of this?

Life is funny. Life is hard. Life is good. Love is everywhere- in the spaces between the dark and light, the good and the bad, and that which we define; always ready to be summoned and to be celebrated. Always.

Holdin' on

Hold my heart tonight
keep it safe from all the sounds
of loneliness and fear
and of things I cannot dream

Hold me close tonight
be the soothing balm that
heals me be the easy slip that
frees me...
from me
                                       
Hold my heart tonight
reach your strong hand out toward mine
sit beside me in the dimming light
be my brightness, be my guide

Please, won't you hold my heart tonight
hold me close through all the darkness
while I need the light and kindness
beating through your heart to mine

...hold my heart

Are you fully with someone, in your purest presence, when you fill the room with your judgements and expectations?

just askin'...

Senseless

Sometimes when I lay in bed in the morning
thinking about what I need to do
wondering what the day will bring
 enjoying the warmth and coziness
of the bed's soft, clean blankets
I never think about how my life
can change before I come to this bed again.

Everything looks so different
through a different colored lens
Even pain is dulled by the numbness
caused by all of the chaos in my heart, my head
Everything feels different if
it can be touched or felt at all

A plane flies by kinda low in the sky
they must be going somewhere

Do you think they know my pain?

Pray for me- to live in grace in spite of all of this noisy disillusion
Pray for me- I had no idea that this would be the plan
Pray for me- to remember joy- so in the midst of all of this
senselessness, I can dream again

There isn't a cloud in the sky, nothing for the light to cling to, but itself. What I see is just a gradient glow of orange-yellow back-lighting the darkened hills. The tiniest crest of a moon is hanging just above the reaches of the glow. Venus is clearly visible now. Every night I wait for Venus.

It's this time after the sun has set and the air is cool as the light slips behind the hills. Each molecule of air is just a little bit lighter as it moves- not enough to call a breeze, but just enough to brush my skin with cool, refreshing bristles.

The last few days have been hard. Just last week I was telling anyone who would listen, about how great my life is. In the blink of an eye it can all change. I heard someone use the word "unfair" today. I wondered what they were basing that on.

The bats are flitting around in the canyon's ceiling, cutting through the diminishing colored glow of the backdrop which has phased into a strip of concentrated pinkish orange now.

Everything is always changing. I guess some of it just has to suck sometimes. I'm just going to keep hoping for the best, because hope is the thing that colors the nightfall and lives in our hearts in the darkness.

Pray for me ♥

Happy day, indeed!

Before it was a river Laid a dry and barren plain Beneath the mountains’ towering Slides to flash the falling rain Before there was a mountain Breathed land above the silent plates Soon to erupt within the molten core Unaware of its magnificent fate Before it was a spinning earth A mass of unfathomable light Forced to be this world we see Our pleasure, not our right Before it was my light, my love My name was always this Conceived by the rain and cosmic pain Life bore me, its daughter, BLISS
	The right card represents a critical element of the future. Nine of Cups (Happiness): Contentment and satisfaction in romance, friendship, or other relationships. Achieving your deepest desires and savoring beauty and sensual pleasures. A state of joy and abundance radiating fulfillment and bliss.

DJ 05.15.12

Having watched the rumpus from the safety of its perimeter, I was told: 

What you bring to the table will be your feast.

Oh shoot

I wish I could be the sweet young green

Thing turning its way up through

The dirt

Toward the warmth of sunshine

Or in the rain

Never knowing what is coming

Or what might pluck me

From my rooted needs

Always growing, never knowing

What I have yet to be

Then maybe someday 

I will be the faith of a forest

Filled with mighty trees

In a canopy of comfort

Always soaking up the sun

Always drinking up the rain

Splendid in the age

Of the beauty of the growing

a pathological tryer

With a glass full of delicious red wine to warm me, I sit in the blaring sunshine. Barely able to see my computer screen because of the glare, I keep thinking that maybe I just need to think these thoughts out a bit more before laying them down. But maybe I have already thought too much.

The wine is a sweet little bottle that I bought as a gift for a friend who I thought would appreciate it.  This friend was someone who was enthusiastic in his admiration of me, as he seemed instantly familiar with all of the things about me, for which I was most proud and grateful. He said I was different and he made me believe that he enjoyed me. Everything about him seemed magical- as if he made love to whatever he was playing, cooking, saying or wearing. I couldn't wait for him to love me like that. Hooked on his line, I sank hard and fast for all of the "right" things that he and his baited breath employed to lure me. Now that I have my head back on I realize that the only thing funnier than him promising me that he was "not an asshole," was that I believed him. Even on his way out he kept throwing kisses, to divert attention from the fact that he was slipping away. Capitalizing on a personal misfortune (if that's even currently true), he even made me feel for him in spite of my feeling of stupidity that slowly crept in.

We see, think and feel whatever we want to believe is true. The nagging in my gut told me that he was a little too forthcoming, a little too rehearsed and too good to be true. His stories kept changing, but he always had good reasons for that. I didn't want to know all of this because I am a pathological tryer. I believe in love. I believe that love is real and isn't the impossible task that eludes the majority of people. Friends frequently tell me that what I'm looking for isn't real. But it is! It's in me- so it is real. I've been silly many times in my life, holding onto things that weren't really there. I guess that's what happens when you want something so bad that it hurts... you do anything to get it.

Fortunately this time I didn't hold on. I feel for the guy because something has to be seriously flawed in a person's makeup, that causes them to be manipulative and dishonest. But it is infuriating to have someone play with your heart just to get what they want. Where does someone get the self-appointed right to play that game with another person? How can someone be so greedy that they don't care that they are stealing a piece of someone's soul? At this point I think that in spite of the embarrassment of impaling myself on his cross (out loud for the whole world to witness) I'm just grateful that I've given up my stupid ass tendency to hold on, hoping that my love would find its way to fruition with him. It's such a relief, really, because curing myself takes all of the energy that I can muster and really, if no one ever really asked for it, what right do I have to try to give it?

All of this time that I have spent on my own has taught me more about love than I ever imagined love could be. It is the divine love that we have for ourselves, that disallows the maladies of greed, assumption, need, disrespect, and even loneliness. The greater the realization that I AM LOVE, the more okay I am with waiting for someone's pure and generous gift of the same. And to be compassionate toward those who have contributed to my hurt feelings...just a manifestation of what love really is. It's me. I am love...and I do love this wine!

Another edge stretched!

A sociopath is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others.  A sociopath is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one's way).  Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others.  Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways (see, lovefraud, for more on sociopaths).

Ṽ⍥ℓυՊїη⍥υṡ

Be
in ecstasy
the dance of the cattails
carefree in the playful breeze

Be
in reverence
the stillness of the hills
anchored in the strength of timelessness

Be
in joy
the giggling laughter
that does not heed the fool's reproach

Be
in silence
the flood of beauty
that washes away the jagged edges

The heart of God

You must have been the heart of God
when Love was what God thought of

In the radiance of your loving kindness
You ignited the sky's lights by the billions

And in morning's gift of sky so blue, I swear-
God loves me more, when my thoughts are of you

In you, so right, I am blessed and beloved
for you must have been what God thought of

When God first thought to Love

The center of the universe

Can we diminish the polarities
between right and wrong
and float freely between
you and me
she and he
earth and sky?
Be well in the center
between black and white
pain and laughter
heaven and earth
dark and light?

Must ugly exist... why can't we just be beautiful?

can you get this one for me?

The birds' enthusiastic song grows louder
Looks like it's going to be another beautiful day
I draw a deep breath, hear your calming voice
Guess it's time I'm on my way

Thank you for the love you give me
Your strength- is always here with me
This day won't be like any other
With me, your soul will surely hover

Be with me...
I know you'll be with me

Mightily

a breeze blows and
how the willow bends,
the mighty oak rustles or
the dead leaf dances-

these are the songs
of the willow,
the mighty oak and
the dead leaf

the breeze touches us all