Bitter dreams

Consciousness drifted in and out, back and forth, in a frenzied pace that left me not knowing if I was sleeping or awake.  Like two hands shuffling a deck of cards, the anonymous backs of the one hand faced the moon and flickered with light, with hope... that somehow I would draw the right one.

I drew a breath and began my descent through the smoke.  Trying to hand my card to each keeper, I drifted forward.  Guarded, they hid their faces from me.  I should not have known their secrets, only that their choice was not to share them with me. 

There is nothing I would not do for someone who loved me.  There is no price too big or burden too great to understand. 

The singing bowl is clanging haunting vibes again.  Must be time to go and wake up. 

The earth, behaving as fire- molten magma.

The blank heart

Even in the most intimate of personal relationships, most of us still live inside our own private mental worlds.   Our attention is often preoccupied – sometimes more in the past and future than in the present – so that we have very little attention to give to those we want to love.  Despite our best intentions to draw closer, all kinds of distracting thoughts – likes and dislikes, attachments and aversions, private moods, dreams and desires – come in any time they like, keeping other people at a distance.   We yearn for closeness and find, more often, disappointment.  Wow (words of wisdom) courtesy of Ecknath Eswaran.  

understanding

What you see in your blindness

hear in your deafness

breathe in the fire

and understand in your death

These will bring you light

they will teach you truths-

peace, love and trust

These will give you life

Burnin' one

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I am in love.  After so many years of bad choices and heartaches my soul has found a true home to share- The Unity Center.

The reverend, Wendy, talked about how we needed to let go of what/all of the things that were holding us back, or keeping us from being our best, true selves.  There was mention of weeds and how we need to plant good things so that the weeds don't take over.

"Up until now" was the first list that we were to scribe, which included those things that have been holding us back.  My list included fear, guilt and ... can't remember.  Guess the exercise worked!  All 1,000 or so of us took turns marching in a slow line to the patio where the burning bowl's flames tossed the sweet scent of burning shortcomings wafting through the air.  I heard muffled cries and nose blowings every so often and when I looked around, noticed a lot of teary faces.  In spite of the heaviness of my empathetic heart, all I could feel for myself, was how lucky I am that life had already taken, then taught me so much that there is no worry anymore, about letting go.

I am free!


"Oh what possibilities" was the second mini message of the morning. Oh what work I have ahead of me, as I realize what I have come here for.

The touch stone was the final touch.  We were each handed a small white tile upon entering the sanctuary.  Wendy invited us to quiet our mind, get out of our own way, and open ourselves up to one word.  That one word would be what we need to touch upon throughout the year, to help ourselves grow the most.  I thought for sure that my word was courage.  But as soon as I stepped aside and breathed through my heart, a beautiful aqua light flooded through me, nudging, "JOY."  So I scribbled Joy! on  my touchstone.

Sitting there for hours, which seemed like minutes, I realized that I couldn't have been happier, than at that very moment.  I was surrounded by beautiful people and there was nothing but hope, promise and happiness in front of me.  High on life.  I've heard that one a million times but I never before knew this particular meaning.

When we were done burnin' our bowls and touching heaven , a fantastic friend and I had the munchies so we headed off and inhaled the beauty of life some more over some stone soup.

Jelly jars

ask not of god what god is,
for god cannot be told by lips

ask not of love what love should give,
for the light of love is limitless

trap not this splendor in a jar,
for then the splendor would be gone

think not how far the light can reach,
for this, only the open heart can see

Turn me oh-ver

Writing my wrongs in this black box of shame

Humming some hims to erase all the blame

Kneeling before you, I’s lowered in shame

As pen-nance releases my runaway game

Whisper my seek-ret through theses cuts in the steal

Where you hear me, and hold me and tell me to feel

So I squirm and erupt as I rise to my heal

Shedding shame’s ugly skin, for flesh's a-peel

Holding me farther away from your hearth

where my lips cannot bellow your prodigal spark

Where our fire dares not flare to then fall apart

Hold me where the flame is real, not a shot in the dark

Righting your wrongs in this black box- no shame

Kneeling before me you bowed down and I came

I dream of melting your tower of shame, and

I burn slowly, warmly- please don't dampen this flame

Til we whisper our secrets through the holes in this fence
The wall crumbles between us, as we move to confess
And we shed all the wrongs, and move on to the best
In the light, in this love, we are truly the blessed

Pen-nance: The act of writing your wrong


Something old, something new...   :)

The leopard's spots, unspoken

Dear Laura,

Another year has now gone and as I look around I see people everywhere, putting this last one behind them.  There are countless remarks of thankfulness that it's over, or recounting of the bad that seemed to have a hold on it.  Everyone, it seems, is looking forward, with hope for something better.

I was sad to see this year end, for it has been the most incredible year of my life.  The last hour of 2010 I spent in solitude, holding tightly, holding dearly, the goodness that I was fortunate enough to touch.  This was the year where I let go and allowed the most authentic me to live my life out loud.  This was the year that my family bore the fruits of healing, and breathed more easily.  Within these past 12 months my broken heart and will learned to live and love again. In this year I found forgiveness in that love, and freed myself to move forward.  In a year's time I turned around some bad situations and in spite of the wealth that flooded me, I did not drown in its lure.  I stayed focused on what was important and meaningful.  And in this year I found a craving for that which is good and right.  I look better, I feel better and I am moving forward in a loving and gentle way.

Bidding farewell to a beloved friend is never easy, and I don't really have to say goodbye to last year because it was just yesterday and it is always with me.  But as I welcome this new day, this new week, this month and this year I find myself trembling at the thought of moving forward.  I've never been here before- this place of knowing and moving forward.  My fingers are stumbling on this keyboard, as my heart stutters and my mind shudders, afraid to cough up my thoughts, my intentions for 2011.

As I have been entertaining the possibilities of what to do with my life I have been open to suggestions that will help point me in the right direction.  Yesterday I engaged in an exercise that showed me what is most important to me.  And it is to be loved. 
I want to be in a loving relationship that allows us both to be who we are, something wonderful together, and able to laugh, grow, cry, and enjoy each other. 
Then there is my life's path.  What am I supposed to do?  This year I will know what my purpose is and I will get working on whatever needs to be done, to get there. 
I will be a much stronger and more fit me each day of this year. 
I will not let fear stop me from tackling personal difficulties.

My gratitude for your kindness, your patience, your understanding and your laughter humble me. Thank you for holding me up when no one knew how heavy our heart was.  Thank you for the love that has grown stronger in us, in spite of what we were dealt.  Thank you, Laura, for the strength to walk gracefully even when the path was not clear.

Namaste,
Yourself