The bloody portal

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It's a three-vicodin day. It was going so well. Too well. But in one quick swoop, ambushed as if by an evil machete, down I went. I can't really say what hurt more; hitting the floor, the searing pain in my side, or the disappointing reality that I'm not getting better (yet).
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Furbus was quickly at my side and this comforted me. He was sniffing around my mouth, probably hoping for some yummy crumbs, and then he tasted one of my tears. He looked so sweet that I reached out to pet his soft fur- only to have him sink his teeth into my arm and rip my skin open. What kind of an asshole bites the arm that loves him?
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Laying on the floor was only going to fortify my pity party, so I did what any level-headed, positive person would do- I dragged myself into bed and pulled the covers over my head! The pain from the cat bite was throbbing, but the bigger deal subsided.
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Last week's award-winning freak dreams were about a bloody portal and a kitten crawling under my skin. While laying in bed this morning I cried and why'd about things that hurt and confuse me, wondering if I'll ever understand. Or, to pose the really big question- will I ever be loved? Loved the way I want to be? Loved without condition or limit? With love that will outweigh ego and selfish need?
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The funny thing is that what I know is born from my own needs. It was my own selfish desire to feel loved, that made me realize what I wanted and needed to give. It's not wrong to want love- it's what we're made for. It is so fortunate when we learn to give, and even more fortunate when we find another who wants to open their portal, and receive. It really isn't about getting what you want, it's about giving what someone else needs. And it doesn't even hurt.
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Good night and sweet dreams!